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A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. Meanwhile his monkey has taken off and found the pooltable. He eats the cueball. Bartender runs to the guy and says," Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did the idiot f*cker do this time?" "Ate the cueball!" "I hope the stupid f*cker dies."
About 2 weeks later the man comes back to the bar with his monkey. While he's drinking at the bar his monkey once again runs wild. The monkey finds a grape on the bar, picks it up and sticks it up his a$$, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender then asks, " Did you see what your sick monkey just did?" "No" says the man. "He just stuck a grape up his a$$ then ate it."
"Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball, he measures everything first".

Measure twice, cut once.

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"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down at the bar itself. The bartender exclaims "Hey! We have a drink named after you!". Grasshopper responds "What. You got a drink named Fred?"

funniest goddamn joke of all time, eh?

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"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."
- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World, Ch. 16