The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir:
I have been evacuated from the New Orleans area, because the floods destroyed my 50-year-old mobile home and my beat-up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.
My friend over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from you fellows for NOT raising hogs. Right now, I am getting extra help from the government and the Red Cross while I am displaced but, when that stops, I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.
What I want to know is this. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be certain that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or another specified breed.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be that of keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I have not raised.
My friend out in Iowa is very happy about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for more than twenty years. He says the best he ever made on them was $422 back in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for NOT raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
In addition, I am considering the "not-milking-cows" business. Please, send me any information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed, and I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker
P.S. Please, notify me when you are giving out more free cheese. I like that stuff.
_________________ "Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand." - Aldous Huxley, Brave New World, Ch. 16
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