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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:47 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2004 8:43 pm
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Location: In a Paisa state of mind !!!
A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.

When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.

"Forget it," the man says, "you never told me you were a prostitute." "But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?"

"You won't get any decent prostitute for that," the hooker says. She throws the guy out.

Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.

She comes up to him and says, "See, I told you." "Look at the kind of trash you'll pick up for $10." :lol: :lol: :lol: :P


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 5:17 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Bill was complaining to his buddy about the men's restroom in their favorite nightclub. Bill said that, whenever he goes in, he sees gays making out.

He added that one night he saw a guy using a commode. Bill said it was like a breath of fresh air.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2011 3:43 pm 
Ticas ask me for advice!
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Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:09 pm
Posts: 325
Explaining Women...and Men

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 08, 2011 5:10 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Going, I really liked the deep thoughts.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 10:43 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 4:12 pm
Posts: 5169
Location: The City of Eternal Spring
Sex after death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform.

The other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Sue. Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then.

It's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun.

And then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be.

Proud. Lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then.

Pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back.

To the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I.

Catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over.

Again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Why settle for just one woman when you can enjoy them all?


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:07 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Joined: Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:11 pm
Posts: 3130
Thanks a lot Phoenix, now I have a hernia from laughing too hard.
(Texting in ambulance on way to hospital for emergency hernia surgery).

_________________
" Omit no happy hour that may give furtherance to our expedition."


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:31 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
What a Round!



Howie was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.


On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.


He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.


The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fooling with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2011 11:51 am 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Suggested Wording For Your Valentine's Day Cards


10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!


1. If you think that hicke! y looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 5:15 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 6:05 pm 
Ticas ask me for advice!
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Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:10 am
Posts: 415
Location: Gringa Wasteland
Flap Jacks and Flounder


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:52 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Tropicalsportsman wrote:
Flap Jacks and Flounder



Cool!


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 11:26 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2003 11:23 pm
Posts: 10212
Location: Esportsmen's Lodge
I pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend...."That's us in 10 years"!

He said "That's a mirror, dumb-ass!

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Living well is the best revenge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwUtj_YnNoY


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:19 am 
Ticas ask me for advice!
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Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 7:44 pm
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the future, past, and present walk into the bar.


it was pretty tense.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:16 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
A dog lover, whose bitch was 'in heat' agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next. Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.

"Why not? It just did for me." He replied.


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 Post subject: Re: Friday Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 8:36 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
What Am I Supposed To Do?

The phone rang. The lady of the house answered.

"Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples

from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which

one is your husband's.




Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.




"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other

for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."




"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.




"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more

than once."




"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"




The people at Medicare recommend that "You drop your husband off in

the middle of town.




If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".


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