www.CostaRicaTicas.com

2 blondes are walking down the road and they stumble across a mirror, 1st one picks it up and looks at it and says "I know the face but can't put a name to it..."
So the second blonde grabs the mirror and says "Are you stupid, its me!"

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Living well is the best revenge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwUtj_YnNoY

Yeshiva University in New York decided to participate in an inter-collegiate sport, and decided on crew. Unfortunately, rowing against the Ivy schools, they were getting creamed. They decided to send Moishe to spy on Harvard's crew to learn its secrets. He duly went to the river, hiding in the bushes, spying on Harvard's crew. Moishe reported back that he discovered Harvard's secret. It has just one guy yelling at the other eight.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses.

Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price."

Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen:(or HandSolo) "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
"My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive."

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

And finally-
Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

Black Testicles

An older man was lying in bed in the hospital. His was wearing an oxygen mask and obviously heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse came into the room to give the gentleman a sponge bath.

“Nurse,” the groggy man mumbles from behind the oxygen mask “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the student nurse replies, “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”

Struggling to be heard, he again asks, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

The student nurse became concerned that the patient may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles. Although she was overcome with embarrassment she sheepishly pulled back the covers, raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She lifted them and gently moved them around and around. She took a close look and said, “No sir, they aren't black. I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!!”

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But please listen very, very closely . . . a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?”

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people
having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.

My Dog's name is Sex


When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a K*D."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets you'll clean up!" "But you don't understand", I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They already have that on Cable. It's no big deal any more."

Well my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "The courtroom is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up soon

Marooned With Cindy Crawford


A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and the man are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heav! en. Cindy's fallen madly in love with him, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. One day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "If it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up! half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up ! to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Stoning the Prostitute

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes.

Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!"

Suicide Bombers to go on strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

So a guy tells his wife he's going on a fishing trip to CR,she starts bitching because she says shes heard bad things about that place,so he convinces her its just a harmless fishing trip and she agrees, so he says "honey please pack my silk pajamas...because I sleep better in them with them while away,so he returns from his trip and the wife asks him did you catch any fish, and he says he caught some big ones but why didnt she pack his pajamas? She said I did they are in your tackle box

LOL, very good.

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Go Dolphins!!!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded

me of a peanut."


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"








Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

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Pura Vida
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

Little Johny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The K*D is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"

The K*D goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."