www.CostaRicaTicas.com

One day I was having a discussion with a budding international traveler and he asked me … “What are your 5 most annoying things about traveling the world and dabbling in the P4P arena?”

Well of course with more then a number of years experience I gave him 3 right off the top of my head … and then as I really thought about it….there were so many more that could vie for the top spot … so what I did for him and for the grins & giggles of it all was to pass along to him and others who may be curious … My “Top Ten List” … so without fanfare here is the “TRAVELING” Top 10 List of Annoying things in P4P travel for your casual reading pleasure.

… Obviously there can be/is more … and obviously these are more personal to me, but I am sure all can attest to at least one or some of them making there own personal list of annoying things.

• HONORABLE MENTION: These 3 items barely missed my top ten, but not for lack of being annoying.

Pan handlers / Miscreants – take one step outside the door of the Hotel Del Rey … take a few steps away from Meia Pataca & the old Club Help in Rio … Head anywhere in Mexico and you will see the age old sign of the times … K*ds selling chiclets and candy, guys selling “Cuban” cigars, viagra and other pharmaceuticals (legal and illegal), sunglasses… you name it somewhere somehow in your travels in the gulch someone will see you and try to sell you something … I caught on to this when someone tried to sell me a 6 foot ceramic Tweety Bird in Mexico. It was a bitch trying to fit it in the overhead on the flight home 

Shit-on-the-shoe trick – Haven’t seen this elaborate scheme in Costa Rica, but those familiar with the exploits of Rio will know of or heard of this scheme that has been going on for apparently many years.

It goes like this … 2 K*ds (miscreants) will notice some unsuspecting tourist (foreigner) walking down the street/beach and one will somehow someway put this substance on a persons shoe that looks like dog or bird shit. The other K*D will then approach the victim with a shoeshine box and ask him if he needs his shoes shined … the victim of course will say no … then the K*D will tell him to look down … the victim then looks down totally shocked that there is this “shit” on his shoe, If he is not hip to the game he will franticly have the K*D rid his footwear of the shit … in turn the K*D will try to charge him $15 or so and if he refuses to pay he will cause a big commotion and/or get the police involved (who may or may not be crooked).

Experienced it twice in a span of a few years … First time saw it happen to a guy I was walking with (he ended up talking down the guy to $10 after he wanted about $15) and then a few years later it happened to me unsuspectingly … I threatened bodily harm to the little bastard who offered to clean my shoe as I knew the game … chased him for a few hundred feet as he cussed me in Portuguese … the damn oily ass substance left a stain on my white Nike’s… pissed me off…LOL


The Chica Network - I realize it is a necessary pipeline for the girls and an evil to us guys. Visit the Del Rey and the establishments near/in the gulch enough or any foreign place where the chica’s congregate and they know who you are … who you have been with … when you got into town/leaving town … where you are staying … how much you are willing to pay … if your good in the sack … if they can get drinks/meals on you … dammit they know it all and all you did was seemingly check into the hotel.

On a couple of occasions had women I didn’t even know…smile, introduce themselves and tell me when the last time I was in Costa Rica/Brasil and described who I had been hanging out with. And told me if they had seen her or not or if she was around.

A few other times had some friends come down to the Gulch to sniff me out … not because I told them I was coming to town, but because one of their friends saw me walking the streets and relayed the info through the chica grapevine.

I sometimes wonder when you arrive in the country and they stamp your passport if it somehow sends out a signal in a tone that only chica’s in the gulch can hear?

Be careful of the tails we tell to chica’s … the chica network is always in full force. You can’t see it, feel it, touch it or smell it … but its there. Also keep in mind that the information passed through the chica network may not always be factual and in many cases can be self serving.

What better way to piss off your mainstay/favorita but by letting her find out through the network that you have been sleeping around with many when in actuality you have been the good soldier (relatively speaking)…thus having her pissed off at you and making it easy for some chica who started the malicious lie to ease in on her meal ticket. Ahhhh…those clever chica’s LOL. Chica’s have a crabs in a barrel mentality … they can not stand another chica’s success.


NOW THE TOP TEN – NUMERO DIEZ

RFM’s (Request for Money) – This is something that typically happens after you have traveled, but yet can happen during your travels.

Let’s face it … for most of us we are walking meal tickets in the land of P4P. We are employers … We are care givers … We are the rich Uncle Estados Unidos … without us … Mothers will not have surgery, Babi*s will not have food, Tuition’s will not be paid, Internet access would be cut-off, Boobs would be 32B’s instead of 36DD, tummies would be un-tucked …. Yes, we are needed!!!

RFM’s are primarily born out of 2 things … The exchange of phone numbers … and/or the exchange of email’s … you don’t do either of these 2 and you pretty much squash the RFM’s. If you do decide to keep a line of communication open …then you will simply have to deal with the inevitable. Why do you think they call it P4P .. LOL!

For many, the first request by a favorite for an RFM marks the beginning of the end … it marks the fantasy being over … It’s the reality check … it’s not just about me and my charm and that we came in unison 4 times in one night…it’s about my money … “Oh Hell … I really am a Meal Ticket”.

If you are there (in Costa Rica) and she ask for money…then assuredly (theoretically) services of equal value will be rendered … thus it being a “business transaction” and not a true RFM … once you land on home soil and the calls and emails start flowing…sooner or later…some calamity will take place in her life and guess who is to come to the rescue.

You will slip into the local Western Union … don your cape full of dollars and become Cap’n Save a Hoe!!!

You will/may send money, but what will you get out of the deal? Typically, Nada, Nothing, Squattah!!!! Maybe a receipt.

Your good deed has a shelf life to them of about the time it takes for them to cash out the wire transfer and show off her new outfit funded by her American cash cow Mooooooo!!!! …. And don’t think for one second that this will earn you gratis nookie or some extended good will on your next trip back….it will however keep you on the Phone and Mailing list…especially on holidays.

The reason why this does not rank higher is simple. You can just always simply say “NO” to the RFM and No worry there really is no penalty, if/when you refuse … she will still be your friend and chances are some other “Cap’n in trainging” will come to save this meek and downtrodden chica in distress.

Remember, when you return, she still needs you to be her cash cow and nobody elses … regardless of if someone else (or no one) helped her out and you didn’t. Moooooooooooo !!!


• NUMERO NUEVE

Chica Time - Almost forgot this one, but how could I. Chica’s are notorious for being untimely. My vacation, my time! You get older, more mature (in some ways) and you realize that time is as much or more important than money. For the chica’s it’s all about them and waiting what could be hours (if they ever show up at all) and/or changing your itinerary at the last minute is bullshit. I don’t do it … won’t do it … within reason of course. I don’t travel thousands of miles away from home to be a constant clock watcher, but hell … my time on vacation is limited and for me, I want to maximize it with activity or inactivity of my choice on MY timing… not in periodic segments of playing the waiting game for a person who has no sense of timing or respect for your time or anyone’s time but there own … This has to at least make the Top Ten. Hell, I’d almost rather send a damn RFM then have my time wasted. LOL

• NUMERO OCHO

Gringo pricing – Unfortunately for the purposes of chica hunting internationally, I can in no way pass for being a native or latino in any Latin American or South American country … My Spanish is a little more then basic which means I will always know how to get a place to stay, find my way to/from the airport, get something to eat, make friends , know how they and there family are doing and know where the bathroom is …

With that being said, I always am automatically given the “American” menu which of course is/can be leaps and bounds more expensive then the one for the locals or normal menu. I can read most menus in Spanish, but never do I get the opportunity because my gringo azz has already been sized up and I will pay Gringo Prices like every other gringo according to most restaurants.

On one trip to Rio, I entered a restaurant with my “girlfriend” and the waiter believing that she was just some chick I picked up off the street … started talking to her in Portuguese (which I only knew the extreme basics) and was telling her to encourage me to get the pricier stuff off the menu … oblivious to their conversation, I saw her disposition change and then she abruptly told me that she didn’t want to eat here. When we got outside, she told me of the conversation…I was pissed on one hand, but happy on the other that she had my back. Beware Beware…waiters can be slimy.


• NUMERO SIETE

Chica Fees – Not sure why this isn’t higher on the list because this is just a pain in the ass in deciding on which hotel you may want to stay at.

The Del Rey hits you for $10, the Balmoral hits you for $15 or $20, the Sleep Inn hits you for $25 … The Holiday Inn told my buddy it would be upwards of $80 for a female guest …. Now is all that really necessary? …. Sure it’s easy to justify by incorporating it into your daily room charge, but when it is all said and done …potentially taking 2 to 4 chicas up a day … Is the room in the Del Rey with no windows to the outside an $110 to $140 a night chateau? I can see possibly the Holiday Inn wanting to discourage it’s lobby from being Hooker Central before its esteemed guest, but the Del Rey?

Sure there are other very good options in hotels nearby with no chica fees, but none within a stones throw like these. And if being within a block or 2 at the most of ground zero is your goal … then having to pay this chica fee for a person which most know are only passing through your room for an hour or 2 tops is just asinine.

Taking a look on the bright side … or in this case the smokier side …This Fee promotes competition as it chases folks to contemplate staying at the Smokey Azz Morozon just a half block down as they have NO Chica Fee.

• NUMERO SEIS

Ficha’s / Chica drinks in clubs - The annoying tickets girls receive from clubs when you buy a drink for them and they in turn get a kickback of $2 or $3 from the establishment on the overcharge.

I have yet to personally experience it in San Jose, mainly because I have not ventured out and about to the strip clubs and other venues where this might happen, but in Mexico and other places what a pain in the cojones … your beer $2 … her vodka & orange juice (which may or may not have vodka in it…go figure) is atleast $9 or more.

You pay $3 - $5 cover to get into bar with 2 free beers or 2 shots of Tequila coming to you …. They bring you both at the same time opened and the girl you are chatting up is not allowed by her employer to drink one … oh yeah … you order her one beer $9… or more. How is that legal? I sense discrimination…where is my lawyer!!! LOL

I don’t mind buying a girl a drink or two … but $9 for a shot of Orange Juice … I wouldn’t buy a $9 shot of Orange Juice if she paid me Cien.

Let’s be serious … at those prices I would be drunk in no time…and she will just be plain dehydrated. LOL.

THE TOP FIVE – NUMERO CINCO

Ricky Ricardo – For those of you who have ever stayed at the Smokey Azz Morazan in San Jose (1/2 block from the Del Rey) and have dared to tell about it….you know who this jack-ass is … The notorious fat-bastard who seemingly works every day and every hour and always has his hand out for a tip for the slightest of things. He is single minded and has no shame in his game. He could really care less about your accommodations at the hotel…He wants your money…Tips, Tips, Tips and he is very transparent about it. He will escort you to your room if you have no bags looking for a tip because he carried the remote control up to the room (regardless of how many times you have stayed there). He will try to get you to take one of his $25 taxi’s to the airport (and have his hand out for a tip) when routinely you can exit out the other door and catch one driving by who will accept 8,000 colones.

In a sport where there are people subtly coming from all angles trying to nickel and dime you … he comes right up the middle with his … arm and hand extended like a fat FTD florist.

It’s bad enough you come off the airplane have to deal with immigration questioning your visit, then deal with the hustle of the cab drivers when leaving baggage claim … now some oversized tool is trying to put the beg on you before you even check into your room … what next … miscellaneous ladies you never met asking you to buy them a drink?

Personally, he deserves to be Number 1, but for the fact that if you never decide to stay at the Smokey Azz Morazon then you will never have to encounter this ogre (My apologies to Shrek)


• NUMERO CUATRO

Padding of bar/restaurant tabs and being short changed – I’m not a big drinker so rarely/never am I challenged by alcohol allowing me to lose focus and bearings (woman maybe, but alcohol never…lol).

From time to time I have had to take a waiter/ bartender to task on what was consumed and ALL times the result was in my favor … I don’t like having open bar tabs (just my preference) as it is the foundation for ummmm “accounting errors” by nights end … especially in a “happy” bar settings with mucho chicas.

Spent time at the Terma’s in Brasil and on one visit ended up with multiple/additional drinks on my tab which I did not authorize the ordering … the establishment corrected the issue without challenge and it appeared they did it without checking the validity of it … surely this could have been just an innocent accounting error (wink), but again this leads me to believe that certain establishments will earmark individuals who they may or may not have to worry about being regular customers (most of us on an annual mission)…and they will try to slip a few line items past them on the bill especially if there is a large number of folks in the party and/or everyone is just so damn happy or drunk that nobody will figure it out … and then compound that with the possibility of my change from time to time missing a few thousand colones / real when paying in cash.

Well needless to say trying to “chump” me can definitely ruin your high and change the tone of an evening … especially if you discover it immediately and not the day after.

You just can’t ever drop your guard.

• NUMERO TRES

Cab Drivers - For those experienced, handling cab drivers and rides to/frm the airport are a piece of cake now. For someone new to the experience or less savvy it is a pain in the ass. They will overcharge you if you don’t know better…they will take you on an indirect route with the meter running if you don’t know better …and then in the end you have to go toe to toe to let them know that they will not be getting over. It essentially comes down to not what the meter says, but how much you know you should be paying.

I always, before I even enter the cab … tell them where I am going and ask them how much it will be … If I don’t like the fee … I keep it moving which miraculously in most cases brings the price down to normal or less.

Most times it’s not the issue of whether you can handle these clowns or not, it’s more the issue of this is another idiot who is going to try me because I’m an American (foreigner). It just gets old and annoying that for a simple cab ride you have to have your guard up.

On there part it’s very dumb … more times then not … someone taking a cab in the gulch will at least round up to the nearest colones (bill) or more thus paying them more then what the meter suggest and refusing the change because nobody likes carrying around those giant gold doubloons they call currency.

My female friends in San Jose say that anytime I walk them to the cab they end up paying more because the driver figures she just scored a big pay day from the American. They refuse to take cabs from in front of Hotels in Gringo Land so they walk a block or so away to throw off the scent of the dogs … Amazing … the cab drivers never slept with anyone or got there organs slammed for hours at a time, but they too want in on a piece of the action of these chica’s working hard for the money in the Gulch

• NUMERO DOS

Poor Service / Underperformance – Or the All Show…No Go, Clock Watcher, C*m & Go, Dead Fish …you get the idea. Why wouldn’t this be tops or near the top on anyone’s list?

I am sure there are a few “Studs” out there who will claim to have never ever ever ever ever received poor service or an under-whelming performer … and to some of those I say … God Bless your good fortune … to others who have eluded the infamous dud … I will say you haven’t extended yourself enough to dabbling in the variety and volume of it all because invariably you take enough of even “well thought out chances” you can still get burned.

… no matter how good your sensors are and no matter how long you have been in the game … there is always a chance you will engage yourself with some chica who will talk the good game, smile the pretty smile, laugh the charming laugh and score 100% on the written test, but just simply under perform on the oral (if you know what I mean).

Face it … the best of us can damn sure minimize our chances of receiving poor service, but by no means is there a complete and absolute detection of how someone will perform once in the cama.

The worst part of this is …you have been rolling along with one solid selection after another and here you just got blindsided and wasted a valuable “bullet” (maybe your last for a number of hours) on a half-ass performance … so now you challenge your own credibility and become gun shy for the next target … there is no way you could bare 2 duds.

This ranks high on the list because it can play with the psyche and puts a lot of pressure on the next selection to be A+.

THE NUMBER ONE MOST ANNOYING THING IN P4P

OVERSELLING and its evil cousin UP-SELLING - Whatever happened to the days of good solid, fundamental negotiation which leads to an iron clad contract for goods and services rendered?

The Oversell … Better known as the Bait & Switch … your promised everything and you receive nothing or at least nowhere near to what was negotiated. Sure you can always withhold payment or a portion of … and I have had to do that on at least one occasion … but at this point your still pissed because your appetite was whetted for something that you will not receive and your time and valuable bullet was wasted on a dud.

Now introducing cousin “Upsell” … “One tip for me…” “BBBJ…$10 mas…” “I will do that for $20 more…” “ May I have money for taxi…” WTF !!!!

The P4P menu has now gone ala carte. It used to be there was a standard basic package which included everything but the backdoor … anymore its Missionary and then extra for the premium channels … BJ, BBBJ, BBBJCM, etc and even to pretend there enjoying it LOL … depending on which country and establishment your in … fondling the chi-chi’s could be extra ….P4P has gone Cable!!!

Question? Is it really now customary for everyone to carry a tip-jar?

I do believe in tipping for someone going over and above … around and down …and … you get the idea. I believe tips should be extended by the consumer not asked for by the provider … if they are asked for after the fact then my feeling is this is her way of hiking up the base price, but was afraid she would lose the deal on the extra cost so she ask for it subtly on the backend in the form of a tip. I always keep in mind ... what is paid for in drinks, food, cab fare, tip + negotiated price is what is the actual/real cost. And you said you never paid Cien?

Very good list sir. I'm sure this will bring up a host of other annoyances in the scene.

For me personally, it has got to be the people in front of the DR. I've been here over 6 weeks now, and I go to the DR nearly every day to play poker, so invariably I run into the same people over and over again. And without fail, every single day, the same guys ask me if I want cigars, a taxi, viagra, whatever. Its like, cmon man, you've seen me here this long already and you know I'm gonna say no, why do you keep asking me.

The worst offender (although I'm sure she's a sweet lady trying to make a living) is the old lady that sells gum. Probably 60 years old by the looks of it. Every day she yells "chicle baby?". Whenever I walk past her. Even if over the course of the night I walk from DR to KL 10 times, each one of those trips, same thing! chicle baby, chicle?
The thing that gets me is that for 3 days, every time she asked me, I told her that I had braces (so I cant even chew gum), showed them to her, and then asked her to stop asking me. I'm sure tonight when I go for my poker game, it 'll be ....chicle baby??

Thanks for your commentary.

Yes I agree ... the motley crew outside the Del Rey can be a pain in the ass. Sometimes you have to just weave through them to get through the door.... I sometimes feel like I should just carry a flashcard that says NO!!!!

For about my last 2 or 3 visits in the fall ... One particular lady was a seemingly out of place middle aged caucasian woman who spoke excellent English ... who in a way stuck out like a sore thumb with all the miscreants surrounding the entrance. Looked like she was straight from the church.

It felt kind of creepie because she was not as assertive as the others and was asking for some donation to help some cause like ... feed the homeless, save the Ch*ldren, help find runaways ... I can't remember what it was, but it was one of those causes that might tug on your heart strings under normal circumstances (Not in Gringo Gulch) ... I of course give her the standard "I gave at the office" response and kept it moving inside the Del Rey, but for a second I felt bad because here I am not able to give $1 that may go to a needy cause (who knows maybe hers) and yet I will be and have spent mucho dinero to chase tail.

What kind of POS am I?

Like I said ... it lasted for about a second ... and once inside the Del Rey ... all was right with the world ... So Sad... LOL

Those idiots out front are even a little creepier at night as on many occasion when I have decided to go to the Colonial for a little late night BJ (Black Jack) ... they seem to want to escort / harass you all the way down with there "sales" pitches

the worst for me is when you go down on a chica, and she tastes salty...I can't believe some of you guys bareback these chicas

lol

great list and great post!

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Dont feel bad at all! Shes been established as a scam artist as well. Many people have given her money and then seen her take said money, right to the NYB to go have some wine. She's not part of any official organization. She just photocopies some leaflets off the internet, passes them out, and tries to guilt you into giving while you're entering/exiting the house of sin. From what I hear she's been in CR over 20 years. I've seen her for at least the past 3 since I've been coming here.

[/quote]


Dont feel bad at all! Shes been established as a scam artist as well. Many people have given her money and then seen her take said money, right to the NYB to go have some wine. She's not part of any official organization. She just photocopies some leaflets off the internet, passes them out, and tries to guilt you into giving while you're entering/exiting the house of sin. From what I hear she's been in CR over 20 years. I've seen her for at least the past 3 since I've been coming here.[/quote]


I have been entering / exiting a house of sin?

I thought it was the carnival with rides of fun and frolic and a good time to be had by all

LOL!!!

Thanks for the heads up and clarification ... she almost had me fooled (or atleast had me thinking) as I have been passing through the Del Rey for almost 6 years and last summer through the fall were the first times that I saw her. Yeah the leaflets and her demeaner surely made her not look like your typical Del Rey panhandler.

Where the hell did she come from and how the hell did she get to hanging out in front of the Del Rey?

It looks like some Grade School English teach from mid-America got separted from her class on an exchange trip to Costa Rica

lol



I wondering if me being spanish (born in El Salvador), I could get some better "deals", though I am a newbie in the whole scene.

Its been known to happen


Cujo

_________________
"Pain is the fuel that fans the flames of my pyre. A battle plan is only as good as the general carrying it out on the field. This is my war son, and I have the biggest bombs and the smallest conscience"...

Brother Newbie2010--Are you serious Brother? Hell yes, as long as you project confidence. Shee-it with your decided advantage and I assume, game, I'd be heading directly to the San Pedro/UCR bar area or maybe the better malls and be racking up freebies, using the HDR/KL as backup locations. Are you ever in the sweet spot! You might even try El Tobagon dancehall on a weekend night, you suave MF, you. Lord give me this guy's advantages and youth, and my schwantz would never be dry. That answer your question? Oh and BTW have you tried Medellin or Cali? Better yet.
Brother Cujo'S was being subtle and understated. I'm ready for a "Quantum Leap".

_________________
"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

What about ?

Bleeders? No... I don't want to see blood. If your hole is bleeding stay home.

Girls who will steal anything inlcuding lube, gum , cigs, anything. Really? Gum?

Or just JEW ON BHACATION? HOW LONG JEW STAY? JEW FIRST TIME COSTA RICA?


I mean really? I started asking them the same chit last time I was there. It sorts out the bitches from the nicer ones real quick.

BLOOD? I am glad I have missed out on that little experience.

However, I can vouch for the others.

I dont believe there is any such thing as snacks to some of these chica's. Those big bag of chips, pretzels, cookies that are sitting in your room are a meal. Plane and simple.

On many of my "extended" stays I have bought miscellaneous goodies that I thought would get me through my visit (...and yes I take into account that I would be sharing) .... Oh hell no ... I offer some up to the chica's and low and behold ... empty bags & wrappers & bottles and back to the Mas X Menos ... LOL

Don't even think about having portable drinks like bottled water, soda, juice, red bull, etc .... cause there she goes trying to stuff the bag with something to walk with.

My remedy to this is to at times by Large containers of Juices, Liquids, etc and then by the cheap plastic cups (a feeble attempt at portion control) and to also not make visible all the goodies at once ... I don't mind a little entertainment, but I always remember the more they see ... the more they feel they can have till you are at your last or empty.

Sometimes I will have gum/mints sitting out ... and they will ask or I will offer ... but rarely do they take one...its a freakin handful if not all ... Doesn't she know that these are to share with her brethren? Maybe she doesnt care that if she takes them all there will be none for anyone else LOL




LOL ... These questions are always followed up by the famous request ... "One drink for me!" ... I get to feeling kind of insulted that you just walked by 60 guys and decided that I would be the sap who would just by you a drink on just a hello. Granted it is probably her 40th loop around the bar and the other 60 said no, but still .... and then the look and attitude you get when you give her the friendly "Nope" ... LOL ... Priceless.

Nobody ever warned me years ago that it was my job to feed and hydrate the Gringo Gulch Chica Nation

Ahh, I get hammered by the "one drink for me" line constantly. I always tell them, if I bought every one of the 30 girls who asked me for a drink, I'd be broke. The response, every single time has been "but I'm not every other girl". Then I tell them ok, you buy me a tequila first, then I'll buy you a drink. Silence.

I had another good one tonight. It was a chica who was trying to get me to take her by making me feel that I couldnt afford her. Our convo went like -

So, lets say me and you spend an hour together, what do you say?
"Sure baby, my price is $130"
Oh, well guess we wont be hanging out after all.
"Its ok, I didnt think you could afford it anyways, it looks like a lot of money to you".

So while I chuckled, I politely told her that I dont pay Mercedes prices for a Hyundai. She got the reference pretty much instantly (she spoke perfect english), and we parted ways soon after.

Great list!

A personal "bust" is when the chica has a bad odor downstairs.

ahahahahahahaha, great reply!

_________________
The difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale is that a Fairy Tale starts out 'Once Upon a Time..' and a Sea Story starts out 'This is no Shit...'

(export version only, some restrictions may apply, some assembly required, not valid where the sun don't shine...

if you live in the states of Poverty, Darkness or anywhere outside of The Blessings of Civilization Trust, Inc...other rules may apply)