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TAZER TALE
>
> Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was
> looking for a
> little something extra
>
> for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt
> pocket/purse-sized taser.
>
> The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
> lived, with
> no long-term adverse affect
>
> on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who
> would never
> consider a gun, adequate
>
> time to retreat to safety.
>
>
>
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
>
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought
> it home. I
> loaded in two triple-a
>
> batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
> disappointed.
> But then I read (yes, 'read')
>
> that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
> a metal
> surface at the same time; I'd
>
> get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
> forth between
> the prongs and I'd know
>
> it was working.
>
>
>
> Awesome! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni
> what that burn
> spot is on the face of
>
> her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this
> new toy,
> thinking to myself that it
>
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
> batteries,
> right?!! There I sat in my recliner,
>
> my cat 'Gracie' looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while
> I was reading the directions
>
> and thinking that I really needed to try this thing
> out on a
> flesh and blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping 'Gracie' (for
> a fraction of
> a second) and thought
>
> better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to
> give this thing to my wife to
>
> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that
> it would work as
>
> advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my
> reading glasses perched delicately
>
> on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> and taser in
> another. The directions said
>
> that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your
> assailant; a two-second burst was
>
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
> bodily
> control; a three-second burst
>
> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a
> fish out of water.
>
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be
> wasting the
> batteries.
>
>
>
> So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
> her head
> cocked to one side as to say,
>
> "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't
>
> hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
> one-second burst
> just for the heck of it.
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and
>
> ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
> ...
>
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
> side door,
> picked me up in the recliner,
>
> and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over
> again. I vaguely recall
>
> waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my
> eyes, body soaking wet, both
>
> nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> with my left arm
> tucked under my body in
>
> the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
>
>
> You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
> "mug" yourself
> with a taser, that there is
>
> no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You
> will not let go of that thing
>
> until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> thrashing
> about on the floor.
>
>
>
> SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell! A minute or so
> later (I
> can't be sure, as time was a
>
> relative thing at that point), I collected what
> little wits I
> had left, sat up and surveyed the
>
> landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the
> fireplace. How did they get
>
> up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both
> nipples were
> still twitching. My face felt
>
> like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs.
>
>
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles!!
>
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
> return.
>
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