OK, first off I apologize for authoring the ball-shaving thread, especially to you Florida, because it clearly drove you insane. Secondly, I apologize for starting yet another shaving thread, and the reasons for doing so are ridiculous, but I've seen pictures of the women that some of you have had sex with, and I know that you're no strangers to the ridiculous. That being said, now I have something that I have to get off my chest, as it were.
OK, it all started innocently enough yesterday, when as a requirement for obtaining corporate Key-Man insurance I had to go to the cardiologist to get my heart examined (fortunately no one asked me to have my head examined) I went into the office as innocent as lamb, full of the promise of glad tidings, knowing my health to be good. Ah, those bittersweet memories of a youth forgotten. Anyway, having gone into the office, after having the damn appointment rescheduled 3 times , I was happy and optimistic about my experience to be had on this occasion, as everything proceeded as scheduled. I was the last of my colleagues to have to go for an examination, and all of them had told me about the stress test, and the lovely nurses who had guided them through it, and joy was had by all. I went in for my examination , and was greeted by my latin nurse. His name was Armando. Urgh. This hadn’t begun well. Armando, being the consummate professional that he is, explained that he would need to place 10 electrodes about my chest in order to measure the response. No problem! “Do you mind if I shave your chestâ€, he murmured, in a way that wasn’t at all sexy, I’ll have you know, to which I replied “Gadzooks!†(well, not exactly that, but something to that effect) and in the following sentence I let him know that no, I didn’t particularly want my chest shaved. “Too bad†he said, “It was a rhetorical question, because although you aren’t exactly the hairiest man it has ever been my pleasure to encounter, still you have too much hair for these electrodes to stick properly, and so shave I must, blessed be my soul†(OK, not exactly that, but pretty close)
So, Off Armando went, gaily shaving and caressing my chest in way that once again wasn’t even remotely sexy, but only in the spots where he would be placing the attachments. We did the test, and I stepped off the treadmill and looked at myself in the mirror. Armando chuckled and said “That truly looks terrible, but you could always wax the rest off, or you can wait and it will grow back.†Thank you, Armando. I couldn’t help but chuckle and agree, however ruefully. At least I was informed that I have the heart of a lion, and shouldn’t hesitate to bang chicas 3-4 at a time, while laughing evilly. (well, not exactly, but close enough)
Now, I have a problem. I look like a spotted owl. I’m going to Colombia and Peru next month and I have no idea how fast my hair will grow out, never having shaved my chest before. I’m only moderately hairy, but the affected regions are very distinct. I could opt to shave or wax it, but my arms and legs are hairy in equal measures, and I figure that I’d look like a buffoon if I shaved just my chest. I have no appetite for shaving my entire body, and having an all over body stubble. I’m not sure that I’m tough enough to have my whole body waxed, but I know for damn sure that I don’t want to be the patchwork gringo that all the chicas are laughing about for months afterwards. I have no idea how fast the hair will grow back, and whether I can just trim everything down to a level height or not, without looking dumb.
I turn to you, my revered brethren, for guidance and support. Who can deliver me from my awful fate? Who can lead me to the door into summer? HELP! I feel like a complete idiot at the moment. Anybody have any suggestions around body shaving in general, or solutions to my particular problem? Laugh, jest if you will, but my plight is such that I will endure your ridicule if only to avoid the mocking gazes of the chicas that will make me die inside. I am at your collective mercies.
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