Note - Repeat Warning for Newbies
I tell you, one of the most unfortunate experiences in my life was running into that cad El Ciego and one of many his nefarious companions, Circus.
One day, after bumping into them in the lobby of the Presidente, when I made the bitter mistake of asking them for advice on arranging a Day Tour, they quickly assured me that the Tour Desk at the Del Rey was the place to go (I believe now that they often lay in wait for innocents abroad such as myself to play their cruel sport, but I digress)…
Something about “The Tour Desk here has it’s head up it’s ass†claimed the latter….while, I swear, I heard the former mutter under his fetid breath (my advice is to stand slightly behind and to the side when engaging in intercourse with this lout) “and so do youâ€.
Well, I innocently followed these wolves to the Del Rey where we were greeted by a scowling security detail that informed me that while I was welcome, my present company was under probation for ‘corrupting the pristine atmosphere of this staid establishmentâ€.
Unfazed, they blithely remarked that their ‘home office’ was nearby and if I accompanied them, I would be provided all the services necessary for a wonderful, wonderful Day Tour. “Why, we’ll even throw in a genuine Cuban cigar. You’ll Love ITâ€, they boasted.
I should have taken my leave after observing street urchins, fruit vendors and the public in general recoiling in horror (some of them darting into heavy traffic to avoid this pair of suspect mores).
Presently, however, we entered a verdant park with lush foliage, many benches and seemingly interesting groups of very attractive young ladies.
“Well, here we are†they said as we approached a disarrayed collection of cardboard boxes, “Over there are the ‘facilities’â€, they said while pointing to a large pickle jar half filled with a yellow liquid and some sort of brown lump floating in it.
I politely declined their feeble attempt of hospitality and replied “I wish to see some spewing volcanoesâ€.
“Oh, I got your ‘spewing volcano’ alright†replied the first above-mentioned sinner. “And here comes your ‘tour guide’, Joesy. IT has your ‘Cuban cigar’ as promised and will show you all the ‘spewing volcanoes’ you can handleâ€.
My ‘tour guide’, Joesy, while oddly fetching from a distance, strangely reminded me of a Penn State linebacker up close.
And so, my protests to no avail, I was led away to an horrific experience of such magnitude that to this day is too painful (literally) to discuss.
I can only imagine if the ‘Cuban cigar’ had come with a ‘blue pill’. I may still be ‘smoking’ that bad boy.
I concur, never, never ask these sordid examples of humanity for advice….especially on the topics of ‘cigars’ or ‘spewing volcanoes’.
_________________ The difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale is that a Fairy Tale starts out 'Once Upon a Time..' and a Sea Story starts out 'This is no Shit...'
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