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10 Tips For Getting Through US Customs
by James Wysong, 15 year flight attendent.

How many times have you returned from your international trip and the first people you encounter are the smiling group at Customs and Immigration, greeting you with open arms? Okay, more likely you encounter somewhat grumpy personnel with extended palms, wanting your passport or customs declaration.

Who are these men and women who ask you personal questions about your recent trip, have full permission to look through your bags and search your person? Well, they aren’t employed by the airlines or airport, but by the government. So they don’t have to be nice and will always have a pension.

If the Custom officials weren’t doing this job, I wonder what they would be doing. Let’s just say that I don’t think they would be greeters at Wal-Mart. They’re not there to be social directors, and very rarely do I see them happy. Maybe it’s because they see thousands of people a day, and in the seconds of interaction with each passenger, they have to decide if a person is entering the country illegally, or bringing in something they shouldn’t.

First stage is Immigration and Passport control, followed by Customs, where you find Agricultural Inspection and if necessary, secondary screening. If anything illegal is found at the secondary stage, get ready for the personal searches and, yep…the rubber gloves. I have been strip searched by customs in Thailand, and believe me, it happens here as well.

Have you ever seen a customs official walking a small dog through the baggage area? No, it’s not for the exercise. That dog is there looking, or I should say smelling, for any forbidden fruits or produce. I know this for a fact because it caught me with an apple in my bag. It got all excited when it got to my suitcase. So in the end, he got his Scooby snack and it cost me $100. I hear that I got off lightly.

Here are some of my tips for getting through Customs and Immigration a bit easier:

If you know you will have a tight connection when you land in the states, leave the flowers or produce behind. Agriculture inspection sometimes adds up to one hour or more.

Always carry a photocopy of your passport separately from your passport. Many officials will accept it if you misplace it.

Turn your cell phones off. Customs and Immigration are strict on that rule and will confiscate and not return them (cellphones can be used to trigger bombs).

Don’t make wisecracks or jokes to the officials; it only makes you look like you are trying to hide something.

Read your forms carefully, and fill them out as soon as you get them. There is a complete guide to filling out your form and a list of contraband items at the back of your in-flight magazine.

If you are unsure, declare it. The “I didn’t know" reply won’t work.

Don’t make a scene. If it’s a long wait and your connecting flight is soon, so is everyone else’s and you definitely won’t make your flight if you are sent to secondary screening.

If you are uncomfortable with the opposite sex searching through your luggage, ask for an official of the same sex. Many don’t know that they can make such a request.

Don’t put any fruit in your bag during your vacation. You may have carried around some mangos in a sack a week ago but the persistent aroma will have the fruit dog all over it and you will be delayed in agriculture.

Leave any photos or videos of you and a partner in a compromising position at home. They could be considered pornography and when they are confiscated, they will probably go up on their “wall of shame” in some back office.

These officials must have enough stories to fill a book. During my own years as a flight attendant, I witnessed the following incidents and items being seized: a full grown hidden rose bush, extensive sex toy collection, an Indian lady with 18 suitcases, a satanic knife collection, a middle-aged Asian man with 24 bottles of Cognac, a young man with a leg flask containing Bourbon that broke and created a “pissed-in-his-pants” effect, an Iranian woman with stacks of cash equaling $210,000, a passenger with 300 fake Rolex watches, and a man dressed in solid yellow attire with a collection of inflatable female dolls (we named him the Banana Harem).

Passengers aren’t the only ones to get caught red-handed trying to bring something through. Crewmembers have been apprehended smuggling everything from computer chips to fake Gucci bags. But no story equals that of the infamous “Monkey Stew.” He was a flight attendant who worked a regular route from the US to South America.

He’d discovered that a certain species of baby monkey that cost $500 in Brazil but fetched up to $10,000 in the states. He developed a system where he would drug an animal with a twelve-hour sedative, bribe an agent to get his bag past security, deliver his package to a person on the other side, and collect quite a mark-up each trip. It was considered animal smuggling and highly illegal, but with four trips a month, he was raking it in.

One day his intended destination was closed due to fog. With the delay, the flight was close to 12 hours long. The sedated monkey, hopefully, would remain sleeping. He made it past Immigration, but started to feel a rustling coming from his specially designed monkey carrier. He started to panic and began sweating profusely.

Almost in the clear, the monkey gave out an initial yell and the flight attendant started to walk faster. The monkey was waking up and was making muffled screeches every two strides. He approached the oldest custom agent, hoping he was hard of hearing. As the flight attendant was cleared through the final stage, the monkey screamed at the top of his lungs.

Apparently, it was the funniest sight, a grown man in uniform in the prone position, 5 custom officials surrounding him, and a baby monkey sitting on top of the carrier sounding as if it were laughing at the man. The flight attendant lost his job, was sent to jail as an animal smuggler, and had his picture in the newspapers, branded with the nickname of “Monkey Stew.”

Monkey Stew is now out of jail and paying his fine by working in an exotic pet store. The story is a well known and documented case. It wasn’t the first case of animal smuggling and I am sure it won’t be the last, because as you all know, “Monkey see, monkey do!”

My recent PM to a Brother notwithstanding, I thought this timeless tip worth a bump. Fly smart!

jazzbocr the thread dumpster diver

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"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

I would add that its best to not dress like a bum with a hangover. I normallly do dress that way but not when I fly.

That is a good one Haywood. Also, it seems to always help me to: 1. Always answer yes sir- maam, no sir. 2. Be polite. 3. Look them in the eye when answering or talking to them. 4. They have long days and I have found that , have a good afternoon or some such pleasantry can go a long way. A smile never hurts either.

If you do get your bags searched, just lean back and relax. Don't stand up and look at everything he is doing. Act calm and collective, the two times I've been searched they did a half ass job on my suitcase and didn't even look in my briefcase??
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You're only as old as the women you hold!

HJ and TW

ALWAYS my plan to the letter. Great advise and a nice bump of a old Wit thread.....

Second time I ever cleared customs coming back from Amsterdam of all places I had a t-shirt on that said, "Not my fault that you suck". Shockingly I made it through customs. Since those early days of international travels, I have learned to do all the above suggested no matter at how annoyed I am with customs.

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[url=http://www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/]

I've traveled back and forth to Costa Rica with no searches (save one).

First, while C&I guys may no be the most personable, they are professional. Fed jobs require that.

There is a retired customs guy out of Seattle that is a member of CRT. I've gotten practical advice. I learned:

That customs guys are not impractical, and the procedures give them some discretion.

For instance: those two 1125 L bottles of Ron Centenario add up to be over the 2L duty-free limit. However the agents have a 10% leeway, so most likely they will let it pass. I've carried 4 bottles totaling 3L. Technically, they can charge duty. If inspected, I play dumb to avoid the fine. Since I travel back to the States on the afternoon flight, the Duties cashier is closed in Atlanta. I figured that I am not too out of line from the requirements, so I'll pass easily.

Just have a responible explanation for your overages, and be prepared to pay extra taxes or duty. IF told to pay, be discouraged, don't rant and rave, and ask the guys if there is anything in their authority that they can do to give you a break. IF not, either pay or give up the item.

If you are actually wanted to smuggle contraband to the States, find a safer method.

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Gremlin, no resemblance to the AMC product

I agree. Sometimes, the agent has NO clue as to how to conduct a search. For example, I returned from Spain with my digital camera and laptop computer. The agent could not understand why my camera lacked photos, notwithstanding the 2 GB chip inside. Hell, I did not volunteer. When he finally asked, I said that I already downloaded the pics to the laptop. I agreed to have the laptop searched, as I do not take the good pictures. First, they are in my head. Second, you can upload them to a temporary website prior to leaving the hosting country. Well, I took 700 pictures in Spain, and my laptop contained over 1,500 pictures. The agent ONLY looked in the MyPictures folder. Hmmm, where would I store good Tica pics??? Certainly, not in MyPictures. After looking at the first 75 pictures for an hour, the agent let me go. I suggested that we order a pizza while he look at the others. He did not seem interested in my Spanish churches collection.

sounds more like a Richard Geer moment.

So in Greengo speak, the DR has a mouse infestation problemo?

No puedo creerlo Va Verde