It was closing time and the man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.
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Two guys are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.
"Don't worry, I know what to do. Stash the beer and peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."
They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license.
"Have you been drinking "No officer. We haven't." "Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.
"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."
"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
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Drinking buddies of a guy who died are at his funeral. As two of his friends pass by the open casket, one remarks to the other, "Sam looks pretty good in death" "He ought to", rejoined the other, "he hasn't had a drink in three days!"
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