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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:52 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
A blonde went into a library and said she wanted to see the doctor. The librarian said: "Madame, this is a library."

The blonde then whispered: "I want to see the doctor."


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 Post subject: The Ventriloquist
PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:45 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2004 10:24 pm
Posts: 11358
Location: Sabana Oeste , Costa Rica
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one
night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his
dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth
row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype
Swedish blond women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching
our full potential as people. Its people like you
that make others think that all Blondes
are dumb! You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general...
pathetically all in the name of
humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to
that little shit on your lap."

_________________
:D Pura Vida :D
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 9:05 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Irish, you win.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:34 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?” says the hippie.

"Yeah!” say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:12 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Fun, Goofy, & Weird Stuff about Costa Rica

In any web site like this, there are bound to be a bunch of silly, maybe irrelevant, but often interesting tidbits that simply do not fit well under another location... so here are the Odds and Ends. Little known, but true... and generally useless... facts about Costa Rica! If you live here... you probably have your own! Send them to me and I'll add them.

In absolutely no particular order....
â– In Costa Rica, it is not uncommon to give coffee to Babi*s (in their bottle, with milk) and to young Ch*ldren. I found this astonishing! Having had the "pleasure" of a two year old a few times in my life, I simply could not imagine a two year old on espresso!


â– MANY Costa Ricans use their credit cards for everything. What so I mean by everything? Well... a newspaper, a candy bar, a pack of gum, etc. I means things as low as just pennies in cost! It is truly bizarre to be in line behind a Tico and watch him whip out his card to make an eighteen cent purchase.

â– MacDonald's, Burger King and all the others have HOME DELIVERY in Costa Rica! This is not a good thing if you are on a diet.


â– Ticos are short statured people in general. Therefore, chairs, couches etc are built about 6-8 inches (sometimes more) lower than furniture say from the USA. If you are tall, you will find that the act of just getting up is an effort. If you have a...ummm... a weight issue as does this writer, it is handy to have a helper nearby!

â– Cigarettes are only about $1.20 per pack. Another thing to place under the 'not good' category.

â– Naming conventions are very different here. Ch*ldren take their father's name, but add their mother's maiden name to their full name. So when you see a name on a business card like Carlos Jose Gomez Guzman, this persons name is Carlos Gomez and the Guzman is his mom's maiden name. Often this is abbreviated as an initial thus: Carlos Jose Gomez G. or even more commonly, Carlos Gomez G.

Costa Rican women do not take their husband's last name. The woman uses her full maiden name for life. No changing of national ID cards, drivers licenses, etc. She also adds her mother's maiden name.

Rarely now, women WILL use the old Spanish naming convention and add a "de " and her husband's name. Thus, Maria Gomez when she marries Carlos de la Torre, will become Maria Gomez de La Torre.

This system does not work well with most North American names, especially ethic names and would be as dumb as all that hyphenating malarkey in the USA. Imagine Doris Kaspinski de Czezniekevich?

â– If you should die while here, you are buried here on the same day you die... no embalming... nada. They just plant you! Everyone looks to see your obituary on TV several times per day! (This can occur easily if you buy the cheap cigarettes and have your Big Macs sent to the home!). More info click here.

â– There are few street signs in Costa Rica and even fewer addresses. Read that as almost none. Just about all addresses are in terms of a well-known building or landmark; often the local Catholic Church, cemetery, or another fixed location. But just to keep things interesting, some addresses are phrased in terms of building that may have burned down 20 years ago! Also, when you see an address that says 200M west of something, that normally means 2 blocks and NOT a true 200 meters. Now is a good time to read about driving in Costa Rica.

â– Diet Pepsi here tastes better than Diet Coke.

â– Instead of saying "my other half", Ticos often refer to their significant other as their "media naranja" or the other half of their orange.

â– Many (honey) bees in Costa Rica are of the Africanized variety i.e. killer bees. The older species were bred out years ago.

■Tangerines are called mandarins (mandarines) here. Limes are limónes. And you can't buy lemons here... or at least I have never seen them. So, if you want a lime, ask for a limón (lee-moan).

â– Candy and cookies manufactured here are to Tico tastes and have a LOT less sugar (and maybe fat) and thus a lot less flavor. If you have a sweet tooth, it can still be satiated as nearly all the popular candy from the US (I am a Snickers freak), is available. However, if you're a cookie lover, your pretty well outta luck. Not much available except Oreos and a handful of others.

Also, non sugary drink mixes like Crystal Light are not available, so if the Crystal Light folks read this, I would like Lemonade, Grapefruit, Orange, and Citrus Splash please!

â– Locks (houses, gates, etc.) in Costa Rica almost always work (turn) backwards.


â–  We say in English "She had a baby" or She just gave birth", but in Spanish they say, "Ella dio a luz" or translated, "She gave light." Cool huh?


â–  Want another one? Bienes raices is the word for Real Estate. Bienes means property or possessions and raices means roots. So there you have "property roots!". Gives meaning to the expression "laying down roots".


â– Front doors of almost all commercial establishments almost always open INWARDS. This is against every fire code in the USA, but here, perhaps because they have never had a tragedy in which hundreds died because the door could not be opened outwards, there is no such code. As you have become "programmed" to Pull when entering and Push when leaving, plan to feel silly as you tug or push in the wrong direction.

â– If you go to the immigration office for any reason or to the police station for fingerprinting (as part of your residency), do NOT wear shorts! They will turn you away! Shorts are considered disrespectful. Update 2009! Read This

â– There are Bullfights in Costa Rica, but the bull is never hurt and often, the bull wins! I love payback! Read more here.

â– Milk, eggs, and many other items that you have been trained all your life to refrigerate, are available off the shelf (un-refrigerated) at almost every super market. This of course flies in the face of everything you have learned about storing these products, but I have bought them every week for the past four years and I have never been sick, nor has anyone I have ever met. Go figure.

â– The word for HOT, in Spanish, is caliente. Caliente begins with a "C". Water faucets imported from the USA almost all have a "C" on them. If your Hot Water never seems to get HOT in Costa Rica, try the handle with the "C". Note, this may change from bathroom to bathroom within the same house!

â– Ants are everywhere here, and they outnumber us about a zillion to one. You will have two real choices as I see it! Spend about all of your entire life trying to kill them all... or just realize they will be part of your diet while living here! The tiny ones are flavorless, and probably add a tiny bit of protein to the diet! The bigger ones crunch.

■You will see a LOT of folks carrying machetes... those really long, sharp knives. You see this especially in the country and areas away from San José. The machete is the Costa Rican equivalent of Duct Tape. It is used for everything, but almost never as a weapon... so relax!!

â– Chinese food tastes funny in Costa Rica. Not BAAAAD... just funny! I am also not hungry an hour after I eat Chinese food here.

â– Burger Kings here taste just like Burger Kings in the US. MacDonald's do not. Colonel Sanders are better here. So is Diet Coke.

â– Generally, meat is kinda crummy here. Just not enough fat cows. Thankfully, the Peruvians and the Brazilians have arrived to open restaurants where you can get a good piece of meat.

â– Costa Rica is smart enough NOT to export all the good coffee! This is meaningful if you have ever lived in Idaho and wanted a good baked potato.

■In many countries, pedestrians have rights. Drivers must yield to them or suffer the consequences. In Costa Rica, the Spanish word for pedestrian is "Target". Be real careful when walking around... especially in San José and especially at street corners.

â– At 7 AM every morning, most if not all Costa Rica radio stations broadcast the exact same program. It begins with the Costa Rican National Anthem and provides the government and other authorized entities a way to send messages or information nation wide.

â– The meter in a taxicab is know as the Maria... apparently a loose reference to the Virgin Mary and her presumed honesty.

â– We call them Speed bumps! To Costa Ricans, son muertos... or in English... "(they are) dead persons".

â– I get asked a lot about all the street vendors who wait at the traffic lights to sell you stuff. Everyone wants to know if this is a rip off and if the food will kill you. Well I buy stuff from those folks all the time... mostly because these folks work their butts off trying to make a living.

As for buying food, I know a lot of folks that do. I do not. Just not sure about the cleanliness of the kitchens used to prepare the stuff.

â– Nearly all Catholic Churches in Costa Rica face to the WEST. This is a handy thing to know as if you read #4 above, you know that knowing directions is critical and that many addresses in CR are based on distance and direction from those churches.

■Q. What about all those cute K*ds running around barefoot and begging especially in San José?

A. Many of them (sadly) are put out on the streets to beg by their parents. They are pros at giving you the sad eye thing. Often their shoes are hidden in a nearby bush. Now saying that, some are really desperate. How do you know? You don't. And now you have a problem!

My suggestion is to do nothing, but that is really hard for some folks, so if you just HAVE to do something, here is a suggestion to do ONLY if you are in a very public location with many people around. Offer to take them to get something to eat. NEVER EVER do this when you are in your car or alone. NEVER touch them in any way. NEVER let them get into your car as Costa Ricans seem to think all North Americans are here for sex transactions with Ch*ldren, and it would be really easy to get into serious problems if a Ch*ld gets into your car.

However, if you are walking, and there is a nearby soda (small restaurant), you can ask if they are hungry, then walk with them to the soda. The really hungry K*ds will want to eat. The pros will not. They want money. AGAIN! Do not touch them in any way. Let them order, you pay, then you leave. If they refuse, just walk away and offer nothing.

I am SURE someone will disagree with me on this, and with some justification, but I have a tough time as many of them REALLY look like they could use a meal. Just be real careful! A LOT of them are drug users even at very tender ages. The best and safest thing, sadly, is to do nothing.

â– Q. I see painted designs on some highways and streets. They look like a big gold or yellow heart with a crack in it. Sometimes there are hearts with halos. What are they?

A. Broken hearts. These are painted on the road where someone lost their life. When you approach an intersection or a road that has a bunch of these painted, drive more cautiously.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:12 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Here is a collection of fun and interesting facts about Costa Rica and Costa Ricans that can help one adapt to the differences found in the Costa Rican culture.

1.McDonald's, Burger King and many other fast food places all the others have HOME DELIVERY in Costa Rica. Even the local ice cream shop Pops has delivery.
2.Fast food in Costa Rica will look and taste different and offer different options such as gallo pinto for breakfast.
3.Ticos are in general short statured people; therefore, chairs, couches and other furniture sometimes are built about 6-8 inches lower than standard US furniture.
4.Cigarettes are comparatively less inexpensive and cost around $1.50 per pack. For this reason many Europeans come and buy cartons upon cartons of cigarettes.
5.Ch*ldren take their father's last name followed by their mother’s last name.
6.Costa Rican women do not take their husband's last name. The woman uses her full maiden name for life.
7.When someone dies here they are buried the very same day or very soon after. Sometimes there is a quick service called a “vela” to say goodbye to the deceased. There is no embalming process. Obituaries are big in newspapers and in between news segments on TV. Death is viewed in a very serious manner here, and there are no wakes. Also, usually people will pray 9 days after someone dies in large groups. Monthly and yearly anniversaries of one’s death are commemorated with a mass and used as a time marker to decide when other important life events have occurred. To read more about death in Costa Rica click here.
8.Getting around in Costa Rica can be challenging because there are very few street signs and even fewer addresses. All addresses are in terms of a well-known building or landmark-often the local Catholic Church, cemetery, or another fixed location. Sometimes addresses are phrased in terms of building that may not exist anymore like the Old Hardware Store etc.To read more about travel in Costa Rica click here.
9.People will often give directions using North, South, East and West and will be given in meters; however, meters usually equates to city blocks ie 100 meters would be 1 city block.
10.Here Diet Coke does not exist even though one might be fooled by Coca Lite.
11.In many small towns and areas every Saturday or Sunday there is a farmer’s type market where you can buy produce cheap. Many times offers are 4 kilos of mangos for 1000 colones or $2 USD. It's pretty sure you can’t buy 1 mango in the US for that or 3 pineapples for a dollar, one in USA costs around $7 USD.
12.Tangerines are called mandarins here. Limes are limónes. Yellow lemons are only found at specialty stores.
13.The word for handcuffs here “esposas” is also the same word as wives.
14.Locks in Costa Rica almost always turn backwards.
15.We say in English "She had a baby" or "She just gave birth", but in Spanish they say, "Ella dio a luz" or translated, "She gave light."
16.When a woman is about to have her baby, they always ask “cuando se mejorara?” or translated "When is she going to get better?” They really know how bad pregnancy is huh?
17.Front doors of almost all commercial establishments almost always open INWARDS.
18.If going to the immigration office for any reason or to the police station for fingerprint do NOT wear shorts! They will turn you away! Shorts are considered disrespectful.
19.There are bullfights in Costa Rica. There are also a bunch of silly and dangerous games that average people play with the bulls like the human see-saw. Additionally, there is some stiff competition about who has the biggest, baddest, and meanest bull in the country which makes the news here.
20.There are also very intricate secret rings of people in Costa Rica that host very elaborate C*ck fights with prize roosters.
21.Refrigeration of items could surprise most people. Milk, eggs, and many other items that one has been trained all one's life to refrigerate are available off the shelf (un-refrigerated) at almost every super market. Also, if venturing inside many Ticos refrigerators you will find that they just put things away without covering or using containers so often that piece of sweet cake could have a little onion after bite.
22.In most Tico kitchens you are not likely to find dishwashers or hot water at the sink. Dishes are rinsed with cold water and scrubbed with a sponge which is why when one person in a family gets sick everyone gets sick. It is not the most sanitary thing, but they seem to live a long time here, so they are doing something right.
23.Some Tico showers are metal or plastic and have a bunch of wires. These heat water as it comes out, but be careful not to raise the arms too high or one might get a shock literally.
24.The word for HOT, in Spanish, is caliente. Caliente begins with a "C". Water faucets imported from the USA almost all have a "C" on them. If your Hot Water never seems to get HOT in Costa Rica, try the handle with the "C". Note, this may change from bathroom to bathroom within the same house.
25.Lots of Ticos do not have clothes dryers. If living with a family, they will wash and line dry clothes, so sometimes the end result is “wings” on your shirts where the hanger left an imprint.
26.Ticos love to iron everything, even underwear and especially tablecloths and napkins.
27.Ants are everywhere here, and they out number us about a zillion to one. If planning on living in Costa Rica's tropical environment, one will have to deal with it. Although in cooler climates here there are significantly less bugs.
28.In the countryside there are a lot of folks carrying machetes (really long, sharp knives which are usually used to cut foliage in the jungle). Here almost everyone has one for day to day gardening and construction purposes.
29.Notice that outside banks and high end stores have guards that are very heavily armed.
30.Chinese food is different here and usually served with French fries. Chinese food anywhere is different- it is just adapted to the countries likes and dislikes.
31. In general meat is something one will have to spend a little more on if a decent cut is desired. There are specialty stores with great meat and also good restaurants.
32. Pedestrians must be very careful, because they do not have the right of way. No one will stop, so do not risk it, and always look everyway to be sure. Especially be careful of the speedy motorcycles.
33.At 7 AM every morning, most, if not all, Costa Rica radio stations broadcast the exact same program. It begins with the Costa Rican National Anthem and provides the government and other authorized entities a way to send messages or information nation wide.
34.The meter in a taxicab is known as the Maria. There are bunches of dishonest cabbies trying to rip of foreigners so stay on guard and be educated.
35.Costa Rican’s call speed bumps “muertos” which translates into dead people.
36.There are lots of street vendors selling items and beggars who you can give away things. These people are on buses with causes, recovering drug addicts, or small Ch*ldren with notes. Don’t be surprised if a beggar refuses a food donation, because sometimes they get offended.
37.All but a handful of Catholic Churches in Costa Rica face to the west. This is a big help for giving directions.
38.The big yellow hearts with halos painted in the streets are painted there when someone has lost their life in an accident. The government department MOPT does this to remind people to be cautious and slow down in these places.
39.Ticos are obsessed with soccer aka "futbol". If there is a game on, everyone will be watching, especially if it is the national team, La Sele. These are usually the best times to run errands since no one is in the streets.
40.When going to the gas station, one will notice that individuals do not pump the gas, because there are specialized gas station employees for that. They are usually nice enough to clean your windshield, check the air in your tires, and check the oil. There is no obligation to give them anything for this service, but they sure do appreciate it.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:03 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Seahawk:

Very interesting stuff! Thanks!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:58 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
Mitt Romney is so rich that he taught his dog to roll over -- an IRA.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 2:53 am 
Ticas ask me for advice!

Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2005 3:06 pm
Posts: 445
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 8:43 am 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

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http://www.porntubebrasil.com/tube2/gal ... index.html


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 Post subject: Re: Or $100
PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:56 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Often wonder how for even cien they can go with some guys. They have to have nightmares.


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PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 4:42 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!
----
Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
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--------- --------- ---------
----

Coca-Cola was originally green.
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--------- --------- ---------
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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- ---------
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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------
--------- --------- ---------
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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)
------------
--------- --------- ---------
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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400
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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:
61,000
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horsehas all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes
------------
------ --- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

A.
Obsession

------

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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand
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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
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--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---
In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.
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--------- --------- ---------
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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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--------- --------- ---------
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some
service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
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--------- --------- ------ --- --------- --------- ---------
------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bot tom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of
your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and
get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and
nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list .

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW your LAUGHING at yourself!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves,
for they shall never cease to be amused!" (Unknown Author)
------------
--------- --------- ---------
----

Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.


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 Post subject: nuts
PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2012 6:36 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
A Russian wrestler and Olaf, a Norwegian wrestler, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Olaf and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." Olaf nodded in acknowledgment.







As the match started, Olaf and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Olaf and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.







Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Olaf collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Olaf answered, "Vell, I vas reddy to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose Babi*s just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"



"Vel, not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts."


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PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2012 2:45 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
BEST "LITTLE JOHNNY" JOKE

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright
foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick
Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit
more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you
can do for your country?'

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John
F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more
about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F_ _ k the Japs,'.

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael
Jackson to the Ch*ldren testifying against him, 2004.'


The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 7, 2000.


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 Post subject: A BIT OF WISDOM
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:12 am 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
<><>






<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.


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