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PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 5:56 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

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An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 5:16 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:11 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!


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 Post subject: A question for Dr. Phil
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:04 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.

Is she a pervert?


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:00 pm 
Just Learning The Gulch!

Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 12:56 pm
Posts: 43
Seahawk wrote:
Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.

Is she a pervert?



That would depend on the age of the neigbor's daughter if under legal age, YES your wife would be considered an accomplice after the fact, but only if you had an ejaculation.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:44 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Subject: Pay

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a
small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years I pay him
$200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged
guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work
around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I
buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:03 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:02 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 778
A couple noticed that a commode is not working. They decide they need to call a plumber.

Later that day, the husband calls his wife and asks whether the plumber has come.

She replied that she has him breathing hard but that he hasn't come yet.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:39 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 6:15 pm
Posts: 3785
Location: Washington, DC and Fort Lauderdale
Seahawk wrote:
Subject: Pay

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a
small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years I pay him
$200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged
guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work
around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I
buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me



thank you for posting that one......one of the best I've read.



nominate for posted joke of the year.

_________________
The difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale is that a Fairy Tale starts out 'Once Upon a Time..' and a Sea Story starts out 'This is no Shit...'

(export version only, some restrictions may apply, some assembly required, not valid where the sun don't shine...

if you live in the states of Poverty, Darkness or anywhere outside of The Blessings of Civilization Trust, Inc...other rules may apply)


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:48 am 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United
States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:12 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, "The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay, and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the "mosque problem" would become a wonderful example of "mosque tolerance"!


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:58 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX . . . .

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 12:40 am 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

SCOTTISH KARAOKE DRINKING SONG!

More songs at the end


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 3:15 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
Socially Unacceptable Humor


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?


A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel
chair."


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.


At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.


A mate of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a moustache."


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:02 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!

Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm
Posts: 657
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own.

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor K*D broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......


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