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 Post subject: This is no shit
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:46 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also K*D's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of K*ds down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar.

Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you-in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.

Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.

There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that cannot be stopped under any circumstances.

There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat.

Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending K*ds night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.

Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death.

My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar.

In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be.

Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.

OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.

Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles.

Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat…And there was no phucking toilet paper !!!

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 10:02 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Ah... the famous Ryan's Steakhouse story. I first read it on ar15(dot)com...

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Any opinion or observation in the post above is purely presented for entertainment purposes and does not promote "sexual tourism" or "human trafficking". The laws of Costa Rica apply to all activities in Costa Rica. No warranty is expressed or implied. Void where prohibited by law. Your experience, observations or perspective may be different.

In exile in pu*sy prison


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 2:15 pm 
Masters Degree in Mongering!
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don't leave us hanging, there has to be some type of escape story


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 5:57 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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yeah the escape stories are not as much fun
leaving the underwear you shit behind
trying to think of some words that rhyme
all of things that you learned from fear
nothing is here but the smears
voices scream nothing seems real its a dream
at least thats what i remember when it happened to me
nachos at Dodger stadium, slight drunk, stop at Fridays for a beer
and walking in i knew i was in trouble
told the girl to grab a seat and hit a brisk pace to the back restrooms
made it to the stall but couldn't pull off the quick move cause i'm a germaphobe and i was trying to get the gasket
why the Phuck are those so hard to work, or fall in, when its on the line?
got the pants clear but ugh and it smelled awful cause guys were coming saying wtf etc
only stall amongst a couple or wall urinals so im doing my best to get it together and clean up lol
burst out at some point, head down, hit the sink and never looked at anyone
came back to the bar and told my girl what happened and we both laughed for hours
still comes up obviously and its always a good laugh cause its so horrible
that was the ONLY time it ever happened and it sent a clear warning i'm not as young i as used to be
altered my habits no question and Phuck those shit ass nachos the stadium sells :lol:
i know theres other stories out there let's see if anyone else wants to admit to em
personally i find these kind of tales hysterical

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 11:51 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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TMI!


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:41 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Flabuck wrote:
don't leave us hanging, there has to be some type of escape story


This is an old internet story repeated from forum to forum.

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Any opinion or observation in the post above is purely presented for entertainment purposes and does not promote "sexual tourism" or "human trafficking". The laws of Costa Rica apply to all activities in Costa Rica. No warranty is expressed or implied. Void where prohibited by law. Your experience, observations or perspective may be different.

In exile in pu*sy prison


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:23 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Zunbake3 wrote:
TMI!

lol thats cause you have one you won't share :lol: :lol: :lol:
its cool i know its controversial
sort of like saying you found a park tranny slightly amusing

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 3:44 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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When I was a mailman I was in this predicament more than a few times actually had a beauty Palor ban me from using thier bathroom After I wrecked it

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:33 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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LaD, man do I have a "load' of stories!


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:56 pm 
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.

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Last edited by Boynton on Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:10 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Zunbake3 wrote:
LaD, man do I have a "load' of stories!

i knew you did
otherwise you wouldn't have reacted like you touched fire lol
shit distress is a funny funny subject
i know everyone of us has had a girl jump up and drop a quick load right next to our bed in one of those tiny rooms
unless your one of those scat guys you want to hear the shower after the thunder lol
human beings and their various orifices are hard to predict at times
we try to play it cool until it hits the fan
a good shit story is much better than pathetic vomiting
you were all high wide and handsome until the ugly truth intervenes

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:49 pm 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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Hmm, interesting LaD. Let me check with my orifice and get back to you!


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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2018 12:05 am 
PHD From Del Rey University!
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"The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat."



This calculation, both a gravitational theory and a mathematical theory that can be placed into a formula, is unprovable, and in my mathematical estimation, impossible.

E= Ejection of projectile
G=Gravity
F=Friction
C=Concave effect of back of toilet
W=Force of secondary ejection from impact with C

The theory expounded above claims that simply E=W without taking in these realities, already proven platitudes of physics.

In reality, E-(G+F+C) cannot equal W, it will be greater, and even though as the force and speed of E increases, so does W, W will always fall short of the initial thrust, speed and angle of the movement of E.

The untrained eye, especially in a stressful and inebriated situation may view it as such, but the secondary force will always be lesser than the first, that is an non debatable axiom.

First, the curvature of the back of most toilets is inverse, i.e., curved in a concave manner to the front of the toilet to accommodate fat asses. In a mathematical equation, this fact alone disallows the 2ndary force to be equal to the initial thrust, friction and gravity also now come into play, now we're getting into simple physics.

If the back of the toilet were instead, convex, again the concept of friction and gravity pull prevents the 2ndary thrust to be equal to the original, but it could be close, depending on the initial speed of ejection.

Because the back of most toilets does in fact, curl slightly inward, it can be assumed it to be an impediment to the secondary thrust hitting the back of the wall, instead, forcing some back upon the subject even though a certain amount, assuming the thrust violent enough, will allow movement in the direction of the wall, just never equal to the original thrust.

So I am submitting the axiom that together with plain old friction rules, gravity pull and the concave nature of the back of the toilet seat, even ever so slight, will prevent the secondary force to being equal to the original.

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:18 am 
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Netgems wrote:
"The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat."



This calculation, both a gravitational theory and a mathematical theory that can be placed into a formula, is unprovable, and in my mathematical estimation, impossible.

E= Ejection of projectile
G=Gravity
F=Friction
C=Concave effect of back of toilet
W=Force of secondary ejection from impact with C

The theory expounded above claims that simply E=W without taking in these realities, already proven platitudes of physics.

In reality, E-(G+F+C) cannot equal W, it will be greater, and even though as the force and speed of E increases, so does W, W will always fall short of the initial thrust, speed and angle of the movement of E.

The untrained eye, especially in a stressful and inebriated situation may view it as such, but the secondary force will always be lesser than the first, that is an non debatable axiom.

First, the curvature of the back of most toilets is inverse, i.e., curved in a concave manner to the front of the toilet to accommodate fat asses. In a mathematical equation, this fact alone disallows the 2ndary force to be equal to the initial thrust, friction and gravity also now come into play, now we're getting into simple physics.

If the back of the toilet were instead, convex, again the concept of friction and gravity pull prevents the 2ndary thrust to be equal to the original, but it could be close, depending on the initial speed of ejection.

Because the back of most toilets does in fact, curl slightly inward, it can be assumed it to be an impediment to the secondary thrust hitting the back of the wall, instead, forcing some back upon the subject even though a certain amount, assuming the thrust violent enough, will allow movement in the direction of the wall, just never equal to the original thrust.

So I am submitting the axiom that together with plain old friction rules, gravity pull and the concave nature of the back of the toilet seat, even ever so slight, will prevent the secondary force to being equal to the original.


Very correct, however in a nuclear shit situation such as this, a corollary equation comes into effect:
E=MC squared
Again, E is ejection of projectile
C is Concave effect of back of toilet
And of course M is Mass of shitload.

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 Post subject: Re: This is no shit
PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:44 am 
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So THAT'S what Einstein was trying to tell us!

I wonder if he developed the theory while enduring diarrhea??? :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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