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Anybody Have a Joke
https://forum.costaricaticas.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=41226		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  Panther [ Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Anybody Have a Joke
I haven't seen too many jokes in Smack lately.

I'll start the ball rolling with the following.


A cannibal goes into a cannibal restaurant. He looks at the menu and sees that an exployer meal is $10 and a missionary meal is $15. He then notes that a politician meal is $100. The cannibal calls over the owner and asks why the politician meal is so expensive. The owner asked: "did you ever try to clean one of those guys?"
Author:  TexasNVegas [ Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
Training the blonde
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a lay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Author:  Panther [ Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
T&V,

I give your joke a seven.

Panther
Author:  Capitan1962 [ Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The man replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
Author:  Capitan1962 [ Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent.”

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”

The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy. limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.”

The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put Deep Heat on that!”

The man says, “No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up.”
Author:  Panther [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father.. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm..'



The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'........she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and he soon had a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
Author:  Steven1 [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
Why do cows have bells?

Their horns don't work.

hjahahahahahahahaahhahaha :P :P :P
Author:  JazzboCR [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
Sometimes you can over-think things: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes", replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders a moment. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day today.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and indignificant part of the Universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent."
Author:  JazzboCR [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says,"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off--go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Author:  JazzboCR [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
Q What do you call an ape in a minefield?
A Baboom!
Author:  JazzboCR [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations and said,"It's no good trying to outrun it--it's catching up."
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied, "I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!"
Author:  El Silencioso [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
Author:  JazzboCR [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
An oxymoron a day keeps reality away
military intelligence^^light heavyweight^^jumbo shrimp^^painless dentistry^^drag race^^friendly fire^^bittersweet^^surrogate mother^^genuine imitation^^mandatory option^^"Dear Occupant"^^standard deviation^^freezer burn^^pretty ugly^^industrial park^^loyal opposition^^eternal life^^natural additives^^student teacher^^educational television^^non-working mother^^active reserve^^full-price discount^^limited immunity^^death benefits^^upside down^^original copy^^random order^^irrational logic^^holy shit^^business ethics^^slightly pregnant^^holy wars^^almost new^^half dead^^baby grand^^inside out^^fresh frozen^^truth in advertising^^open secret^^almost perfect^^good grief^^friendly takeover^^plastic glasses^^peacekeeping missiles^^somewhat addicted^^baked alaska^^unofficial record^^tax return
Author:  Panther [ Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
JazzboCR wrote:
An oxymoron a day keeps reality away
military intelligence^^light heavyweight^^jumbo shrimp^^painless dentistry^^drag race^^friendly fire^^bittersweet^^surrogate mother^^genuine imitation^^mandatory option^^"Dear Occupant"^^standard deviation^^freezer burn^^pretty ugly^^industrial park^^loyal opposition^^eternal life^^natural additives^^student teacher^^educational television^^non-working mother^^active reserve^^full-price discount^^limited immunity^^death benefits^^upside down^^original copy^^random order^^irrational logic^^holy shit^^business ethics^^slightly pregnant^^holy wars^^almost new^^half dead^^baby grand^^inside out^^fresh frozen^^truth in advertising^^open secret^^almost perfect^^good grief^^friendly takeover^^plastic glasses^^peacekeeping missiles^^somewhat addicted^^baked alaska^^unofficial record^^tax return



Very good! May I have them?
Author:  Jackal [ Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Anybody Have a Joke
Women walks into a neighborhood bar and starts pounding Schlitz beers. After about 20 beers she's stone drunk and passes out.

The lowlife patrons in the bar, carry her in the back room and pull a train, and then get her a cab.

Next day she walks back into the same bar. The shocked bartender nerviously says " hey, hi there, what will you have a Schlitz". She replys, " Oh no, give me a Bud, that schlitz makes my pu$sy hurt".
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