www.CostaRicaTicas.com

All copped from the Florida Weekly joke edition.
1) What do you call a parrot under an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
2) When I was young I prayed for a bicycle, then realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
3) A scientist replicates himself. But the replicant grows to be foul-mouthed. Nothing can stop him. In anger, the scientist pushes his creation out a window. He's charged with making an obscene clone fall.
4) A guy asks his waiter how the chicken is prepared. The waiter says,"There's nothin' special--we just flat out tell them they're gonna die."
5) When a spinner does you the second time, is that a bony tart's repeat? << Mos' def my own joke.
6) According to Hemingway, why did the chicken cross the road? To die, alone, in the rain.
7) How do you make a Kleenex dance? Blow a little boogie into it.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists and engineers spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on nearly any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300*.
The Soviets used a pencil.
9) I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost 3 days already.
10) A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: He's allowed to say 2 words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.They bring him back in and ask for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says,"Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says. That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
11) Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

12) Bringing back a previous session: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=29933&p=323861

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"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

thanks I needed that

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My best friend was the clock on the wall, and he turned out not to be much of a friend in the end