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Dear Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before…,

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?
—Baffled In Baldwin


Dear Baffled,

Jesus Christ! Who did this? C’mon now, how the Phuck is this gonna fly with the Boss? phucking Morons!




Dear Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before…,

My husband and I split last year after 11 years of marriage. We're still good friends, though, and we even go out for coffee once a week. Problem is, lately, he's been seeing a new person, someone I feel is definitely not right for him. Should I say anything? I'm not jealous—I know I wasn't right for him, either. What's my move?
—Protective In Pensacola


Dear Protective,

What the Phuck? What do you mean you ‘don’t know what happened’? Ever think that maybe, just phucking maybe, that securing a 500 pound load on top of the car with cheap, phucking goddam 3 for a dollar bungee cords from the Dollar Store before going on a road trip might not be a good idea?







Dear Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before…,


I am a college student in a gorgeous area of the Rockies. I love it here, but it's hard to pay attention to my schoolwork. There's so much to do here, from hiking and biking to skiing, that my grades are slipping. How can I stay focused?
—Busy In Boulder

Dear Busy,

Phuck Me Too Tears! Well, this is going to go over like a lead balloon. Did you ever stop to think for a minute? One phucking minute?





Dear Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before…,

I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years and couldn't be happier. But lately she says she wants separate beds. I'm reeling! We're barely in our 40s, and in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors. Am I making too much of this? Help!
—Anxious In Andersonville

Dear Anxious,

And what the hell is this? I said get two regular sizes……not ‘My Dick’ sizes……and where is my change?.......What? You tipped the guy cause you felt sorry for him?...that mofo cleans up like a big dog!


Confidential to Wanna Wax Poetic:


Lord, Lord, Lord…..you, boy, are dumber than dirt! How in the Phuck did you ever think that was gonna work? Wait until your moma finds out. I feel sorry for you.




Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy That’s Seen Some Dumb Shit Before, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

His new book, ‘Really, Really Dumb Shit’ will be released this coming year.

_________________
The difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale is that a Fairy Tale starts out 'Once Upon a Time..' and a Sea Story starts out 'This is no Shit...'

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