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This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
> year old woman.
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
> published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:I am writing to
> thank you for bouncing my check withwhich I endeavored to
> pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
> between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
> account of the funds needed to honor it.
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
> entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
> place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
> seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
> debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
> inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
> from the manner in whichthis incident has caused me to
> rethink my errant financial ways.I noticed that whereas I
> personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when
> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
> has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
> with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
> repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employeeat your bank
> whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an offense under
> the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
> envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which
> I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
> runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
> medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
> and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
> (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
> by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I
> will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
> quote in dealings with me.I regret that it cannot be shorter
> than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
> of button presses required of me to access my account
> balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
> is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing
> field even further. When you call me, press buttons as
> follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
> FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to
> see me #2. To query a missing payment.
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room
> in case I am there #4. To transfer the
> call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
> to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my
> mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
> leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you
> at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned
> earlier. #8. To return to the main menu
> and to listen to options 1 thr ough 7. #9.
> To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
> then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
> answering service. #10. This is a second
> reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
> occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
> for the duration of the call.Regrettably, but again
> following your example, I must also levy an establishment
> fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
> wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
> Year? Your Humble Client(Remember: This
> was written by an 86 year old woman. And remember:
> Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old
> in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them
> off.)'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!