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I remember, back in the day, dating this girl. To say she was crazy would be kind. To say she was religious would be kind as well. To say that one more than likely had to do with the other would be fairly obvious. You see, she was Baptist. Her father was a Baptist minister. Her mother was the church keyboard player. So as you can tell, God was pretty much a big deal with her family. What does this all mean for Steve, you ask?

It meant no pu*sy.

She was the biggest C*ck tease in the world. It wasn’t that she didn’t let me do ANYTHING. I could’ve handled that. The problem was that we would have these really heavy make-out sessions, the kind that would’ve led to dirty, sweaty sex in any normal relationship (Or late-night cable program). I couldn’t touch her breasts or below her waist, I couldn’t see her naked, but we would still make out with a ferocity that would’ve made a nun drop her rosary. I’d get all hot and heavy, and then before I knew she’d jump up and be like, “I gotta go! It’s time for choir practice!” And I’d be left there with balls swollen the size of casaba melons.

I’m getting to my point here, don’t worry.

Anyway, she’s recently come back into my life and has been stalking me online. Apparently she still holds feelings for me and would love nothing more than the get back together. I, on the other hand, still remember those nights listening to emo music and icing down my nads.

So I’ve created a way for us to get back together. It’s a contract listing all of the stipulations that would be require for us to date again. My hope is that she will give in and sign it, or that she will cease to talk to me ever again. Either way, I’d feel like a winner. The contract goes as such:

In order for the undersigned to continue a relationship with me, the following regulations must be followed as noted:

1.) During the first two month’s duration of the rekindled relationship, the undersigned is not allowed to make any complaint of any kind, whether it is about the attention they are receiving, or personal hygiene matters.

2.) During the first three weeks, the undersigned must perform oral sex every morning on me, and must swallow, and must also pretend to enjoy it. The phrase, “Your C*m tastes like strawberries” should be kept into consideration as well.

3.) On the first Monday of every month, the undersigned must clean my room, ridding it of any and all beer bottles, pizza boxes, or damaged pornography they find. They must wear a French maid outfit that is missing the bottom while doing so, and must sing show tunes while completing their task.

4.) On the third Tuesday of every month, the undersigned must brush her teeth using a Colgate Dual-headed Electric Toothbrush and my C*m. Don’t ask why. Just do it. And remember the whole thing about the strawberries.

5.) On the second Wednesday of every month, the undersigned must allow me to fist her in the ass while taking a dump on her chest. Breakfast should follow soon afterwards.

6.) One the first Thursday of every month, the undersigned will be beaten on the ass with an old piece of lumber while midgets cleanse your body with lemon-scented water. They will also be required to tap-dance while this is happening.

7.) One the last Friday of every month, the undersigned must lay on their back in the living room, will me and my various friends all attempt to toss grapes into their vagina. Any grape that lands in their vagina must be ingested, and the tosser shall be fellated as well. At no time should eye contact be made.

8.) All weekdays will be designated as “Donkey Punch Days.” Various members of the neighborhood will be invited to come over and take their turn with the undersigned (Strap-ons will be provided for the female neighbors). If the undersigned cries during this, lit cigarettes will be put out on their ass.

9.) April 1st will be designated as “Cuddling Day.” Some days you just need to cuddle.

10.) My birthday will be celebrated as follows: After serving me cake with a lit candle in their ass, the undersigned will then perform a strip tease to the theme song of “Gilligan’s Island.” After that, a tuning fork will be placed into your vagina, and I will spend most of the afternoon hitting it with a spoon. After that, I get to see how far I crawl into your vagina before losing my breath and have to clamber back out. Upon my exit, you must scream “It’s a boy” at the top of your lungs, and then slap yourself in the face. After that, two prostitutes will blow me while you videotape it.

11.) Every other Saturday, we will go to the zoo where I will watch you Phuck the monkeys. You will not be allowed to stop, not even if a group of school Ch*ldren walk by. If anything, it’d be more of an educational experience for them that way. “You see what she’s doing to that gorilla? That’s called felching, Timmy!”

12.) The undersigned must promise to love me forever, and must continue to sexually please me, even if I die before them.

13.) If any of these terms are not fulfilled to their fullest capacity, the relationship will be ended and your family will be shot.

I’ve got high hopes for this one. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Forget the 13 conditions. If you pfuck her this time, you've prevailed. Train her slowy, gently, lovingly and then tell us about it

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