|
Post this VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- snout height
Dear Dog and Cat,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food/dish, nor do I find that amusing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and it's not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.
I cannot afford anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but waste & sarcasm.
For the last time, there is NO secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I opened. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --I don't need your assistance.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal's butt. (I cannot stress this enough!)
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, she's my adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly (but I understand her).
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than K*ds because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money
3. Easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need megabucks for college
and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell or give away their Ch*ldren.
|
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
Calendar
