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| A Tazer Tale https://forum.costaricaticas.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=16255 |
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| Author: | Rainbow [ Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:18 am ] |
| Post subject: | A Tazer Tale |
TAZER TALE > > Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was > looking for a > little something extra > > for my wife Toni. What I came across was a > 100,000-volt > pocket/purse-sized taser. > > The effects of the taser were supposed to be short > lived, with > no long-term adverse affect > > on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who > would never > consider a gun, adequate > > time to retreat to safety. > > > > WAY TOO COOL! > > > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought > it home. I > loaded in two triple-a > > batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was > disappointed. > But then I read (yes, 'read') > > that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against > a metal > surface at the same time; I'd > > get the blue arch of electricity darting back and > forth between > the prongs and I'd know > > it was working. > > > > Awesome! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni > what that burn > spot is on the face of > > her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this > new toy, > thinking to myself that it > > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a > batteries, > right?!! There I sat in my recliner, > > my cat 'Gracie' looking on intently (trusting > little soul) while > I was reading the directions > > and thinking that I really needed to try this thing > out on a > flesh and blood moving target. > > I must admit I thought about zapping 'Gracie' (for > a fraction of > a second) and thought > > better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I > was going to > give this thing to my wife to > > protect herself against a mugger, I did want some > assurance that > it would work as > > advertised. Am I wrong? > > > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top > with my > reading glasses perched delicately > > on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, > and taser in > another. The directions said > > that a one-second burst would shock and disorient > your > assailant; a two-second burst was > > supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of > bodily > control; a three-second burst > > would purportedly make your assailant flop on the > ground like a > fish out of water. > > Any burst longer than three seconds would be > wasting the > batteries. > > > > So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with > her head > cocked to one side as to say, > > "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst > from such a > tiny little ole thing couldn't > > hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a > one-second burst > just for the heck of it. > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the > button, and > > ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION > ... > > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the > side door, > picked me up in the recliner, > > and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and > over and over > again. I vaguely recall > > waking up on my side in the fetal position, with > tears in my > eyes, body soaking wet, both > > nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, > with my left arm > tucked under my body in > > the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. > > > > You should know, if you ever feel compelled to > "mug" yourself > with a taser, that there is > > no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap > yourself. You > will not let go of that thing > > until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent > thrashing > about on the floor. > > > > SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell! A minute or so > later (I > can't be sure, as time was a > > relative thing at that point), I collected what > little wits I > had left, sat up and surveyed the > > landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the > mantel of the > fireplace. How did they get > > up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both > nipples were > still twitching. My face felt > > like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my > bottom lip > weighed 88 lbs. > > > > I'm still looking for my testicles!! > > I'm offering a significant reward for their safe > return. > |
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| Author: | GSX [ Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:30 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Gracie probably ran off with them figuring that "ol' numbnuts" (pun intended) won't be needing these any more. LMAO so much I was crying! |
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