Hey, doesn't Handy have a baby due manana? (no joke.)
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in..."
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An elderly Irishman walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many Ch*ldren, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two chicas hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
----------------------------------------------------
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.
-------------------------------------------------------
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, I'd like another two of them"
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"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
----------------------------------------------------
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi
pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
------------------------------------------------
Father Falnagan was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a
scream followed by a thud. To his horror he saw a lovely young lass had
been hit by a speeding motorist. In fact she had been hit so hard she
had all of the clothes knocked off. Father Flanagan being a gentleman
placed his hat across her privates. Meanwhile Michael was just inside a
pub. He'd been having several pints when he decided enough was enough and he stepped out side to the accident. "Christ" says Michael "The first thing we got to do is get that man outta there!"
------------------------------------------
Three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. they stopped in front of Flahertys house still singing. After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else?!" "Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks. "You know dam well I am!" she says.
"Well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
--------------------------------
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk at the wake.
--------------------------------
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
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What's black and blue and floats in Sydney Harbour?
A person caught telling "Paddy the Irishman" jokes on St. Paddy's day.
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