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| Christmas Story: Lovable Louise https://forum.costaricaticas.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14706 |
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| Author: | El Ciego [ Mon Dec 18, 2006 12:53 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Christmas Story: Lovable Louise |
>>> >>> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his >>>fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill >>>them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true >>>because every Christmas morning, although Jay's K*ds' stockings were >>>overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. >>> >>> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses >>>and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those >>>things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. >>> >>> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only >>>confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does >>>this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it >>>to the inflatable doll section. >>> >>> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also >>>substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane >>>during rush hour. >>> >>> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many >>>different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, >> could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled >>>for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call >>>Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. >>> >>> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise >>>came to life. >>> >>> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee >>>morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the >>>dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate >>>some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby >>>tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. >>> >>> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to hi s >>>house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the >>>dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and >>>bark some more. >>> >>> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest >>>of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional >>>Christmas dinner. >>> >>> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. >>>"What the hell is that?" she asked. >>> >>> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." >>> >>> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. >>> >>> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. >>> >>> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. >>> >>> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, to steer her into >>>the dining room. >>> >>> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" >>> >>> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and >>>no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on >>>Granny, hang on!" >>> >>> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to >>>me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" >>> >>> I told him she was Jay's friend. >>> >>> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to >>>Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we >>>realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. >>> >>> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had >>>died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made >>>a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched >>>from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in >>>front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through >>>my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began >>>administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over >>>his chair and wet his pants laughing. >>> >>> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the >>>car. >>> >>> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. >>> >>> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to >>>decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had >>>suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. >>> >>> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored >>>her to perfect health! >>> >>> >>> >>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, may your holidays be filled with love and laughter. |
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