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>>>
>>> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
>>>fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
>>>them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
>>>because every Christmas morning, although Jay's K*ds' stockings were
>>>overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>>>
>>> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
>>>and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
>>>things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>>>
>>> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
>>>confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
>>>this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it
>>>to the inflatable doll section.
>>>
>>> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
>>>substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
>>>during rush hour.
>>>
>>> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many
>>>different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
>> could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
>>>for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
>>>Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
>>>
>>> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
>>>came to life.
>>>
>>> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
>>>morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
>>>dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
>>>some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
>>>tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
>>>
>>> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to hi s
>>>house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
>>>dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
>>>bark some more.
>>>
>>> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
>>>of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>>>Christmas dinner.
>>>
>>> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
>>>"What the hell is that?" she asked.
>>>
>>> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>>>
>>> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>>>
>>> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>>>
>>> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>>>
>>> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, to steer her into
>>>the dining room.
>>>
>>> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>>>
>>> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
>>>no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
>>>Granny, hang on!"
>>>
>>> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
>>>me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>>>
>>> I told him she was Jay's friend.
>>>
>>> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
>>>Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
>>>realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>>>
>>> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
>>>died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
>>>a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
>>>from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
>>>front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
>>>my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
>>>administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over
>>>his chair and wet his pants laughing.
>>>
>>> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
>>>car.
>>>
>>> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>>>
>>> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
>>>decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
>>>suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
>>>
>>> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
>>>her to perfect health!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, may your holidays be filled with love and laughter.

_________________
Pura Vulva! Wandering through the dark, I am El Ciego.