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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,
he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in
Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the
place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me
myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me
sister."

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Cigar smoking doesn’t reduce us, it elevates us; It makes us more content to be alone, or it helps us to enjoy our companions. It encourages us to dwell on the simple moments and celebrate the sublime.
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Hung like Einstein and smart as a mule.
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You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.