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All About Chuck Norris
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Author:  Wmax2 [ Sun Jan 29, 2006 2:44 pm ]
Post subject:  All About Chuck Norris
Greetings:

Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates
to him.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually
a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back.He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of the month.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not
had to pay taxes ever.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw,
was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is forhandicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a phucking Indian.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami
Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the Phuck down

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the
bearhis fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the
less painful way to die.

There are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a
brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to
impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris shows no mercy, because in Chuck Norris' language the word
"mercy" means "beardless".

Chuck Norris has a penis so big his wife had to have her jaw surgically
unhinged. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.


There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the
shit out of him for living in a place with such a stupid name.

Chuck Norris has only ever lost one fight. It was against Ghandi, lasted
72 days, and spanned 6 dimensions.

Chuck Norris knows what Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.

Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day. Consequently, all roads lead to Chuck
Norris too.

Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his ass-cheeks. He did this as
part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The Ass
Master-Blaster 5000.

Chuck Norris can put a quarter in his ass and then shit out a dime and
two nickels. There is a five cents charge.

Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party.
Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people in
his house, his mind involuntarily went into "defense/kill" mode. Chuck
Norris lost many dear friends that day.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is
positive, fist is negative.

When Chuck Norris dies, the universe will implode. It's true, it has to be.

In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by manually
inseminating the females with his own sperm.

At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He immediatley threw
up due to the extreme femininity of the drink. Another party goer quickly
collected his vomit and sold it years later, we know this today as Jack Daniels.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "mustache ride".

Chuck Norris believes that it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris away

Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are
irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray

Chuck Norris plans to assassinate four other civil rights leaders just
to get an entire week off in February.

No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same
time. Coincidence?

You give a man a fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish, he eats
for a lifetime. If you ever, ever try to teach Chuck Norris about
fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.

Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He was the
hunter who killed Bambi's mom. He originally wanted to kill her with a
roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it to a gunshot,
and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the movie. Thus losing
his best shot at an Oscar.

Only Wonder Woman has a uterus capable of bearing Chuck Norris' Ch*ldren.

David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse
kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The
result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Babi*s don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on their
butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear of the
fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.

All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home
videos.

The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86
when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't
serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant. They do now.

Regards to the board,
-Wmax2
Author:  Witling [ Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Some funny shit.
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