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New FDA Warnings For Bottles Containing Alcoholic Beverages


Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space con tinuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you
both have in common."


The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."

_________________
Why settle for just one woman when you can enjoy them all?

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority; figureout a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'

She said, “Don't forget your sweater.”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

_________________
"If you think that I'm half crazy your wrong, I'm at least seventy-five percent gone. I was born this way and I'll die this way so I probably won't be changing today." - Richie Allbright, South Texas Singer/Songwriter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftvsq3mX0Ow

The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist.

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together
to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was
livid and insisted they change it.


So, the docs changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".This was also not acceptable, so they again
changed the sign.


"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable
again!


So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts" - no way.


"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.


"Loons and Moons" - forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

Just out: Bill Clinton has hired Paula Broadwell as his official biographer.


Paula is out with a new book. The name of it is "Embedded, But Not Wedded."

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

The Clinton biography is entitled "Sex between the Bushes"

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife, "Your question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer.

Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show and she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy?

You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."

"That's right, five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!”

_________________
Why settle for just one woman when you can enjoy them all?

Guy walks into a bar and orders a Ginger and Jameson. The bartender reaches down and puts an apple on top of the bar. Guy says, "I said I'd like a Ginger and Jameson, not an apple." Bartender responds, "Just give it a try. You'll be surprised."

So... the guy bites into the apple and is shocked to find that it tastes like Jameson Irish Whiskey. Pleased, he says to the bartender, "Wow! That's pretty cool!!" Bartender says....

"Turn it around!"

So... the guy turns the apple around and bites into the other side to find that it tastes like Ginger Ale. Guy says, "Awesome! This is my new favorite way to get drunk."

Next guy walks in and orders a Rum and Coke. Bartender sets another apple on the top of the bar and the guy gives the bartender a funny look, not quite knowing what to make of it. First guy says, "Give it a try. You'll be surprised." So, the second guy bites into the apple, and of course discovers that one side tastes like Rum. Bartender says.....

"Turn it around!"

As expected, the other side tastes like Coke.

Third guy walks in and can't decide what he wants to order. Bartender reaches down and grabs another apple from underneath the bar and says, "Take your time. When you decide what you want, just take a big bite out of that." Third guy says, "Well, I was thinking more along that lines of an alcoholic beverage." First guy says, "You really need to try that apple. It's awesome! When you bite into one end it tastes like one thing and when you bite into the other end it tastes like something else. Mine tastes like Ginger and Jameson. Third guy says, "Wow! That's cool!! In that case, I want mine to taste like pu*sy! So the guy bites into his apple and immediately begins to choke and gag. He spits the apple bite out and says, "What the Phuck? This tastes like shit!!" Bartender says....

"Turn it around!"

True Friendship


This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after work.



His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...


"My ****** hair and makeup are not done, the house is a ******* mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my ******** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the **** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

_________________
Why settle for just one woman when you can enjoy them all?

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP
Read until the end ..... you'll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P!

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . .. or not . . . it's UP to you. Now I'll shut UP!

_________________
Slut Puppy in Training

Is low self esteem a prerequisite for being a good Ho or is it a result? ;-)

Life

A most profound philosophy:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard."

_________________
Slut Puppy in Training

Is low self esteem a prerequisite for being a good Ho or is it a result? ;-)

Another meaning of UP, familiar to everyone in Michigan and Northern Wisconsin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Upper_Peni ... f_Michigan and then something a lot of folks in Pennsylvania aspire to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University_of_Pennsylvania
I like getting up with a woman but prefer this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5ID15mv0gA << commenter thebaddog410 has got it right.

_________________
"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Tventy dollars," she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he figures, "Vat da hell, it's only tventy bucks..."

So they hide in the bushes and are going at it for a minute when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the cop.

"I'm makingk luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "I didn't either until you flashed dot damn light in her face."

_________________
Why settle for just one woman when you can enjoy them all?