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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"

"Nothin' , said the Irishman,
"Me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..

***********************************************
Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord himself! He's done it again!"

***********************************************
The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth gone bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we'll have to pee in the boat!

_________________
My best friend was the clock on the wall, and he turned out not to be much of a friend in the end