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The Dog and his Colon

I had my 1st Colonoscopy the other day. I’ve heard horror stories and expected the worst.

I followed the dietetic regime and the day before I mixed up the 1st batch of Grannies Magic Elixir and Industrial Drain Cleaner. At 2pm I started to drink the first 8ozs of the mix. Nothing. At 15 minute intervals I have to drink 8 ozs till the 32 oz jug is empty.

The stuff doesn’t taste bad, has a sweetish fruitish taste with a wee bit of chemical additive as a kicker.

I take the 2nd dose and wait, nothing.

I take the 3rd dose and wait, nothing. I’m wondering if I’m going to have to call the doctor and see why I’m not moving. I don’t want to show up in the morning with a colon full of mud and have to have an enema or god only know what they’ll do to get me cleaned out in a jiffy.

I get a wee sensation that I might want to head to the commode. Yep, I start and have a wee bit of a movement, but nothing like I’ve been told would happen. After a minute I start to stand up, OOPS, too soon, seems like the ole muddy is starting to flow. Geeze, it’s not too bad.

I take the last dose and mix up the next batch and put it in the fridge.

I sit back down and my guts rumble once. I think I just might head to the - OH CRAP, RUN, THE DAM HAS BURST AND THE FLOOD GATES ARE NOT HOLDING. Well I made it to the bathroom and as I started to sit on the throne a gush of biblical proportions erupted. It sounded like Old Faithful and felt like a retro rocket booster going off in my commode. Geeze, I have memories of my youth when I was so drunk and was puking so bad that the only thing I had left to puke was my balls and they were on their way out. I'm starting to get the same feelilng now just the nutts are headed out the back door.

I have a bout with the porcelain throne and am amazed that crap can actually fly UP. I’ve got debris on my butt, balls and legs along with the underside of the seat. After a few minutes, normalcy sets in. WRONG, the ole guts give a little rumble and next thing, KAPLOSH, GUSH, Old Faithful still has a few good ejections left. By now there is very little solid matter, it’s all a light brown watery slurry quickly turning yellow. I think, OMG, I’m passing piss out the back door and my nutts are sure to follow.

This session passes and I have to wait till 6pm for the next dose. One more time I have to hit the bowl. Without any warning I get the sensation and without any delay at all I’m in a race with the Muddy River Monster. I win but only by a hair.

AT this time and point I’ve learned that ANY, the SLIGHTEST, indication that ANYTHING at ALL is going on in the intestines, get to the crapper PDQ cus if you wait you’ll leave a trail behind.

At 6pm I start the second go around. The 1st 8 ozs are taken down, but the taste now has a bad taste, more fearful but not near as good as the first go around. Now between each intake I have to hit the throne. There is almost no warning, just a rumble and a run for the tile walled room. After the last dose I’m about as clean on the inside as I am on the outside, save the hair. I finally get brave enough to try to go to bed at 10pm. NO U DUMB Phuck, the Gods of the Loose Stools are still angry and getting the most out of me. I make it by an inch.

I check, yep the balls are still there but they are trying to hide.

I try again to go to bed at 11pm. I end up making a diaper using a pair of under shorts and an old T Shirt. Thank goodness I didn’t misfire during the night

I get up early and do the clean up, one last pass with the crapper, only a few squeaks and lispy slur. Yep I’m clean.

Now I’m ready for my crowning move. My ole friend Eli who’s an ole outlaw tattoo artist had made up two transfer tattoo’s. They had a 3 “ red STOP sign and EXIT ONLY under that in 3” Block Letters. I planted one on each cheek.

I check in and go to the room where I strip down put on the gown and wait. One nurse fucks up the IV, I bleed all over her lap and the bed. When we get in the procedure room I see this big long frigging black monster hanging on one side and two monitors showing the floor tile.

The doctor comes in, I tell him if he shoves that thing all the way up, he can save a lot of time and money and just use a tongue depressor and go in from the lips.

They start to give me a twilight drug and as I’m passing lala land I remember hearing the doctor ask the nurse if she knew what I had on my butt, shortly she made a noise and the rest is a blur.

Sometime later I wake up, the doctor tells me I had one polyp which he had removed, it looked ok and I should be okay for another 5 years.

I got a sheet full of pictures from the procedure but nothing from the STOP signs.

As I’m getting dressed I get the sensation from the ole muddy that something is going to happen. OH GEZZE, please NO, let me get to the bathroom, NO WAY . Much to my relief I had a massive gas passing. Seems they fill up the colon with air but don’t tell you. The ride home was fun, sounded like the tuba player.

I was hung over from the drugs for 2 days. Slept a whole lot. During this time any indication of any intestinal activity struck fear in my heart and caused me to pucker up and run for the crapper.

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Shamas O'Dognasty
Gourmet Catering & Septic Tank Cleaning

guess I'll just take my 'Skid Mark' comments and jokes and Fold.

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The difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale is that a Fairy Tale starts out 'Once Upon a Time..' and a Sea Story starts out 'This is no Shit...'

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This exactly replicates my experience except you told it screamingly funnily> Good job. I read 2 books before I felt comfortable getting off the throne. Took 1-1/2 hours to get any feeling back in my legs--crawled to bed. Gotta do this procedure on a regular basis though.

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"A man accustomed to hear only the echo of his own sentiments, soon bars all the common avenues of delight, and has no part in the general gratification of mankind"--Dr. Johnson
"Amen, brother"-ED

That was very funny Shamas.

Yeah, it's a riot until you "think" you're done (with a round) only to get up, turn around and spray the wall, trash can and magazine like I did.

I've had 2 colonoscopies. The first (2005) he found 3 polyps and cut them out. I took a nap when I got home and made a 2 hour flight the next day. No problems.

This past January I had my 2nd. He removed another very tiny polyp. Afterward I went to lunch with the buddy who drove me to the procedure and never even bothered with a nap.

Any man over 50, or earlier if you have any family history of colon cancer, needs a colonoscopy. Follow up every 5 years or sooner if directed. The procedure is no big deal but it could be a life saver.

I cannot emphasize this enough:
THERE IS NO GOOD REASON NOT TO GET A COLONOSCOPY!

It's your body and your life, take care of it!