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Things you will never SEE
Michael Jackson day care centers
Ted Kennedy driving schools
Bob Dylan/Neil Young vocal training centers
Bob Denver flying schools
Monica Lewinsky Knee pads
Pat Buchanan charm schools
Woody Allen adoption agencies
Bill Clinton lie detectors
Don Knotts fitness clubs
Things you will NEVER hear a man say…
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
We never talk anymore
Things you will never hear a woman say…
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again! Kick ass.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass.
My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
You're so sexy when you're hung over.
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
I'll be out painting the house.
I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.
Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.
You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
Look! My ass is fatter than yours!
Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.
Things you will never hear Dad say…
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
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