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The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, "I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.

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Pura Vida
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

Some additions....................


Symptom.................. Fault................Action Required



Symptom.....Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear

Fault.....Glass empty

Action required.......Find someone who will buy you another beer.


Symptom.....Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet

Fault.....Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face

Action required.....Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.


Symptom.....Feet cold and wet.

Fault.....Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Action required.....Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.


Symtom.....Feet warm and wet.

Fault.....Improper bladder control.

Action required.....Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.


Symptom.....Floor blurred.

Fault.....You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Action required.....Find someone who will buy you another beer.


Symptom.....Floor moving.

Fault.....You are being carried out.

Action required.....Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


Symptom.....Everything has gone dark.

Fault.....The Bar is closing.

Action required.....Panic.


Symptom.....Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Fault.....Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Action required.....Cover mouth.


Symptom.....You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.

Fault.....You have spent the night in the gutter.

Action required.....Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you believe that the two ticas in your room really want you, while one is stealing everything not nailed down.

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It's not the size of the wand that put the rabbit in the hat, it's the magic in it!!!