CRT's Experts Give Up
'From Now On, You're On Your Own,' Say Experts
San Jose, CR—Citing years of frustration over their advice being
misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, CRT's foremost
experts in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday in a
mass resignation of CRT's 243,839 experts.
"Despite all our efforts to advise the membership, Mongers still pay
Cien, drink three times as much flat Coronas as is recommended, watch
seven hours of gorditas parading about per day, swim less than 10
minutes after eating, and leave tremendous tips for indifferent service
and ignore such basic crimestopper tips to Wipe, albeit with tiny
napkins, with their Left." said Dr. El Ciego, vice-president of the CRT
Association of Experts.
"Since you don't seem to care about things you don't understand,
screw you. We quit."
"My final piece of expert advice," El C added, "is that all of you people
should just go Phuck yourselves."
C-Dude, until recently a Department of Skid Marks advisor
specializing in upset stomachs and clean public bathrooms, maintained
that the experts' mass resignation is justified.
"Last year, I testified before CRT that at the current rate of
consumption, the membership’s supply of napkins, Diacort, bottled ginger
ale, yellow ice and diamonds in the rough would be depleted in 4 years,
and they looked at me as if I was some sort of crackpot," C-Dude said.
"What's the point?"
"We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 2 years,
you'll be up to your asses in thieving Ticos and Nicas (not to mention
mercenary Colombianas," a written statement from the CRT Advisory
Council On Fool Slaying read in part.
"Since CRT has not yet begun making preparations for the explosion
in its membership, we recommend that you begin research on propina
funded, hydroelectrically powered 'fool slaying camps,' where the
teeming hordes of those that cannot listen can be disposed of quickly and
painlessly."
According to CRT Expert Prolijo, despite the vast amounts of
scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by CRT’s
experts, the CRT Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice
being followed in the manner they had intended.
"Public reaction was favorable to the news that sex and a glass of wine
a day can help prevent heart attacks," Prolijo said. "But of course, most
members figured that eight gorditas and glasses of wine a day must be
better than one."
"And while many members reacted well to the news that eggs
probably wouldn't kill them outright, they failed to come to a consensus
on the choice of brown or white eggs. They've pretty much ignored every
word we've ever said concerning just about everything."
Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation
is expected to have little impact on the lives of most CRT members.
"Go ahead, CRT," resident CRT Expert ID (scribe of ‘Word on the
Street’) columnist said. "You don't need us.â€
“ Watch all your cameras, laptops, mouthwash go out the door. Carry
your wallet in your back pocket. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly
little darling, the street pickup. Press your nose against the New Fantasy
MP window for even more views of gorditas. Don't eat anything but bad
pinche. Do whatever you want."
Despite its negligible impact on the membership at large, the sudden
dearth of experts is expected to be devastating for the CRT media
particularly the weekly CRT Report, which had come to heavily rely on
experts for their incisive, time-filling punditry.
According to CRT Experts spokesperson Florida, the exiting advisors
will be missed, but the membership must move forward. "We, of course,
are deeply saddened to lose CRT's most knowledgeable individuals in
every field," Florida said. "But at the same time, it's important to
recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned,
was almost always impractical."
Florida said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with
Positive minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and
astrologers" as soon as funding can be arranged.
Others, have gathered at the remains of the Cardboard Inn, Inc for
a final meeting.
“We are planning on demolishing and burning to the ground any sign
of this misused, staid and noble establishment, Not even a fly swatter will
be leftâ€
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