www.CostaRicaTicas.com

Prolijo, at first I thought you were being a bit thin-skinned or over-reactive to my posts, but subsequent posts reminded of my time as a single guy. I’ve spent just about equal time single as married in my adult life, and I do remember certain stigmas around being single, including song lyrics like ..dazed and confused for so long it’s not true, wonder no woman ever bargained for you…, which doesn’t do much for one’s self esteem. But my intention was not to finger point at you or any particular single guy, or try to ping a sensitive area. I was simply delineating a variety of places where men in general can be lacking in their development, and thus prevent them from entering an LTR or marriage or sabotage a relationship. Often the blame game is, as I’ve said, as much about the blamer as the blame.

That being said, this forum has a majority of single guys, and there have been plenty of posts along the lines of “you gotta be an idiot to get married”, which I don’t agree with. So if one dishes out criticism one has to be able to take it. Nothing on this list, however has been overly harsh or flame-based, IMO.

We all, single, LTRed or married, have narcissistic, self-centered and selfish patterning, and there’s always more room for growth. In order to not sound twinky, what I mean by ‘growth’ is in terms of psychological and spiritual development and defined as the capacity to transcend patterns of 'me, me, me' into ever widening circles of 'us, us, us' - the capacity for empathy, compassion, caring etc., from self-centered to global and universal awareness. In one sense, women have a leg up on men in this regard because of genetics, via the hormone oxytocin (not oxycontin!). This is known as the 'nurturing hormone' giving them innate ability to care for their bebes, and look out for someone other than #1. Of course, women in general suffer from a host of other impairments than men do not have, but sometime when a woman calls a man a selfish jerk, well, sometimes they have a point. There is an appalling number of absentee and dead-beat dads that are a testament to selfish guys in the USA and in the world.
I have the urge to say "ít take's a village"...as a Ch*ld of the 60s, there was a great deal of experimentation in this area in the sexual revolution. I had a several friends live in communes where the common notions of love and sex were done away with. Some wild times ensued. Most of these communes did not last (I can think of only one that made it, Steven Gaskin's 'The Farm'). Apparently people ended up pairing off naturally in these free-from-constraints environments or moved on as single folks.

Spin the clock forward 5-10 years, and I was involved in ashrams and spiritual groups, some were celibate situations and some involved tantric sexuality (I wasn't involved with Rajneesh, but had a number of friends who were). One guru that I had noticed that his students changed partners every few years or so, so he began to make it formal, pairing up people himself, calling the phenonmenon "serial monogamy". Obviously this paradigm is naturally taking place in the world. He also had periods of "anything goes" times where people experimented in various sexual and relational situations, threesome, wife swapping and such. We also did tatnric sexual work - sex with a partner was fine, but no leche! (the guru ascribed to the notion, like the Taoists, that wasting seed is debilitating. Rajneesh, OTOH, advocated tantric sexuality in a more free-form environment, with singles pairing off - makes for one very interesting first date) But eventually people got a lot older and less wilder, and people paired off. Said guru from above had from 3-9 ‘wives’ but he had super-alpha male status, and believe me, those gringas don’t bitch at him! Also look at Aussie Greg, someone who is in somewhat of an alpha-male status in Medellin, he seems to be following a patterns of serial monogamy STRs.

So two paradigms seem to have emerged that may take hold: serial monogamy for couples and "it takes a village" for help with raising K*ds. The latter occurs very naturally in religious, social and spiritual groups these days.

Something different or new paradigm? I think we're going to need another sexual revolution to blow off the conservative societal chains that have been occuring in the past decade or so. Methinks that this universe is a binary one, and thus the force of yin-yang pairing is the most powerful, but who knows?

Why get married at all

“We don’t need no piece of paper from the city hall…” –Joni Mitchell

The title of this thread is why get married? Here are some reason, some relative, some absolute (currently) from a legal standpoint.

Firstly, marriage is definitely a status symbol and a particular right of passage in this and other societies. As far as self-esteem goes, it says, “I’m decent enough so that someone other person on this planet wants to spend their life with me”. For some single folks, the opposite may play in their head in the form of self-criticism. And definitely there are societal pressures from family, friends, etc. It’s never fun to be in a minority, which single folks apparently are. These days, you go to a party and most people are coupled or married. I’ve been to other countries, and it is flabbergasting to them that I live with someone but don’t have K*ds. The K*D thing may even be stronger than the marriage pressure, being partly genetic.

Then there’s the legal issues. On one hand you can frame the whole thing negatively, such as “that biatch took me to the cleaners!” or “ it ain’t gonna happen to me <again>”.

But then there is the notion of “I’m willing to take a risk for someone else, because I love them, to provide for them in case I’m sick, disabled, or the event of some other disaster.” It’s about giving, taking care of someone else, using legal means. This translates to:

- health benefits – many companies and governments do not give health benefits to domestic partners
- death benefits – being married makes it easier
- other forms of insurance –
- Ch*ld benefits – family leave time issues, divorce issues w/ K*ds, etc.
- medical privileges – via HIPPA, family member can make decisions about hospitalized loved ones. Not sure if this works with domestic partners
- death privileges – family members can shut off life support equipment. Not sure about domestic partners.
- Probate issues – just recently my wife and I changed the deed to our house to avoid probate in case of the death of one of us. Not sure if this is possible with domestic partners. I live in CA and we were told by our lawyer to change to “joint tenancy in common” from “community property”, I believe.

Some of these issues are precisely why gays want to have legal status for marriage, besides the status, and the opportunity to be as miserable as their fellow heteros in marriage. ;^)

So basically, if you care about your partner, getting the piece of paper makes a few things in life easier. Now all this is simple legal stuff and can change if society advances, but it will be a battle – right wing Christians will fight tooth and nail to prevent you guys living in sin or those of us who are advancing the “homosexual agenda” from the same benefits as married hetero folks.

Interesting perspectives but after 32 years of marriage and losing my wife to cancer I would rather be married. She was a gringa and treated me well. I miss her.

- Buddy

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gone fishing

Thank you JM. Now you are putting it into your personal opinion where it belongs. I am keeping it in my personal opinion but with studies and articles that you and I both provided as a basis. They both indicate that normal woman have less than man in libido. Do you have any studies or articles that says a woman and man has the same sex drive?

Have a Great Day,

Dave

Life is about pursuit of happiness and we all require different things to be happy. I am satisfied with everyone's choice no matter what I think. The one study indicated that 53% of households are couples. Over a majority of households find marriage to be acceptable and positive for their happiness. Just be fair in the assumption categories is what I would like to see here.

Sorry for your loss. Having been married for 23 years, 1st marriage lasted five years, I would be lost without my wife and I can feel your pain. I am a true believer in the saying that "to love and lost is better than never to have loved at all."

Have a Great Day,

Dave

Dave -

There are five major areas involved in human sexuality and male and female libido: Psychological/mental, hormonal, vascular, neural, and chemical. I would suggest sexual dysfunction is rooted in one or more of those areas and can be treated in men or women. That's a fact, not an opinion. Low sexual drive is not "normal" in either sex.

Philo -

I appreciate your logic and have been there myself. Nobody was more of a "family man" than me. I dedicated myself to my wife, Ch*ld, family, students, country, milkman, and later, my lawyer's pockets. It's true women have more nuturing ability, but for what it's worth, I bought into the "Mr. Mom" routine, fashionable in the '80's and '90's. People think the '60's and '70's were radical, but the '80's and '90's were really radical. That's when poor shleps like me were putting into practice all the mind-bending brainwash and dogma that the gringa women's movement enacted upon us. I was determined to be sensitive and my wife would be more a like a man, goddam it.

I suggest what you're going through is a phase. That's not bad; it just is. I'm going through one myself and I've never been happier. That's saying something because I've enjoyed my life overall, despite having bought into so much societal nonsense. Now it's my turn, and just in time. To think I could have missed the last several years of perpetual bliss being single, and pushed up daisies, still a devoted "family man."

There's nothing wrong with servicing others; being in education, it's what I do. Nor is "domestic happiness" an oxymoron. But there comes a time, a "phase" if you will, when you'd better start being a little selfish, because nobody's going to come running after you and hand you "experiences," or "pieces" of life.

Mongering is what we on this board do. It's decadent and some would say it does nobody any good. Many would say it's downright evil. But part of the same balls that makes me say, "I want to be single, see the world, and phuck beautiful women," also allows me opportunities I would never have had; things such as learning foreign languages and using them, or mixing it up with other cultures, finding what makes people different.

I'm not advocating anyone break up with their gringa wife and never marry another one; only that that is precisely what I did and plan. Of course, you know what they say about "the best laid plans." Having studied American Popular Song extensively, I know what's in those romantic lyrics and what's at the "heart" of any argument for marriage. I want to believe in magic as much as the next chump, truly. But I've awoken from a sleep, and now I'm awake and more alive than ever.

Sometimes you look long and hard in the mirror and ask yourself whether fear held you back, and if not, why the hell it took so long to wake the phuck up.

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"Don't never trust a woman, till she's dead and deep....One day she'll say she loves you, next day she'll throw you on the street."

"...and if men didn't have this unquenchable desire to have sex with women, then they wouldn't have anything to do with women at all. I certainly wouldn't..."

Jazz I just find life is a series of trade offs. Many times I enjoy many things equally but the problem is they don't fit in the same plane of things so you have to make a decision what means the most & go for what makes you happier overall. Doesn't mean you can't slide different things in or juggle things around somewhat but it can get rather complex.

I suppose in your marriages of the past if you were truly happy you would still be there & never missed what you did not know even existed. Nothing wrong with either as long as one finds his happiness. I agree with many people about different strokes for different folks. Many times we just don't know how to equate things from lack of experience or out of some fear that has been created.

I kind of like the different phases that we go thru as long as no permanent harm comes out of it after all it is a tremendous learning experience & great fun. It keeps life more full of life itself as it entertains us. It is all good if done well & no one suffers.

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"Run silent, run deep"
Spunk glazed Chicas are the building blocks of the universe!

Are you suggesting or is it a fact? I am confused. Please show me just one place where a professional has said that low sex drive is not "normal" in either sex. I am not trying to bust you balls but you are stating facts when they are opinions and I am stating opinions and backing it up with a basis. If it is your opinion just state so. If it is fact, please back it up.

Have a Great Day,

Dave

Most all this stuff boils down to personality type & traits.

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"Run silent, run deep"
Spunk glazed Chicas are the building blocks of the universe!

Zippy,

At our age, mostly 40s and 50s, yes. We are an opinionated group with each personal, distinct background and experiences. Nothing wrong with that. We are not attacking each other personally but doing dialogue to see where opinions stop and facts begin. I would have to say that most everything here is opinion.

There is no harm in debating and I am not taking anything here personally. Neither should anyone else.

Have a Great Day,

Dave

One of the most interesting threads. I have found we like to chat about it because EVERYONE questions our choice to monger.

I think there are two basic types of personalities driving men. Those who need someone and those who may want someone but do not need.

I think there are far more needs than wants.

I once was with a friend who is in a loveless marriage where there is more of a friendship and told him I admired him for his loyalty. His answer was very interesting "Don't admire cowardiss". I always remember that comment. I also wonder if that is why so many men find mongering so offensive.

Just a random thought.

My experience with "men who find mongering offensive".......usually seems they're jealous they can't do it.

Travelman,

I like your friend and I agree about the need versus want. My wife and I K*D each other saying that, after 23 years, we have to stay together because at our age, early 50s, it would just take too much effort and time to train someone else.

I also believe that relationship servive long term because of needs and not wants. We, as humans, want it all and are constantly wanting new things. It is our needs that make us hold onto a job or a marriage. I believe that dependency on each other gets you through the hard times. I need my wife's tenderness, ability to listen to me, care, sex and the multitudes of other things including just the pleasure of cuddling whenever you want. She needs my dedication to her, putting her on a pedastal, my financial ability, my willingness to make her happy.

The thread about the gentleman that is calling it quits after 69 years is an example of where the fun can stop and, perhaps, his lonliness begins. I don't know if he is married but, if he is not, he will surely miss the female touch and care. You cannot monger enough to have the constant 24 hour ability to be touched and loved by a good woman.

Have a Great Day,

Dave

I sure have to agree with this. I also think the men that just want someone than those who need someone are in a much better position to never be used by the mongering company we keep. Just my honest opinion & I could always be wrong .

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"Run silent, run deep"
Spunk glazed Chicas are the building blocks of the universe!

Dave,

We agree totally! But as the basic personality type seperates us I understand the gentimans decision 100%. You call it lonliness I see it a little more as privacy. At that point are you really getting companionship or care. I do not wish to burden a love one with my care for an extensive period. May sound a little brutal but I do not wish to burden my Ch*ldren with my old age and illnesses.