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  Do Compliments Raise Interest Level?

Hi Doc,

I'm a woman who has read your column several times on AskMen.com, and I have to compliment you on your incredible insight. As far as my romantic tendencies are concerned, you seem to know me better than I do!

In one of your columns, you advised men not to compliment women too much. At first, I didn't agree with this, but after my date last Friday, I think you are dead-on. Here's what happened: I was getting ready for my third date with a man whom I had High Interest Level in.

The third date is important to me, as it's when men decide whether or not they want to move forward with a relationship. Since I really wanted a relationship with this guy, considering our first two dates went so well, I put a lot of effort into getting ready for our third date. You know how brides get transformed on their wedding day? I went to similar lengths.

My girlfriend spent 45 minutes doing my hair and another 45 minutes applying my makeup. I wore an outfit that really accentuated my curves without being overtly sexual. I probably went from a "7" to a "9" in two hours.

My efforts definitely got noticed. My date gave me at least 10 compliments during the course of the evening, on all aspects of my appearance. He seemed enraptured by me. What's so ironic is that this was exactly what I was hoping for, and, at the time, I enjoyed the compliments. Yet it eventually lowered my Interest Level in him and I really don't know why. Is it low self-esteem on my part?


                      Mirror, mirror on the wall

Logically, I want a man who compliments me, finds me beautiful, and is crazy about me. But honestly, I would have been much more turned on if he'd simply played it cool and maybe briefly commented on my appearance by mentioning that I looked nice. The next two times he called me, I was pretty distant and on the verge of being rude.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share this with you because I'm sure many people question your advice and I wanted to validate what you've known all along.

Is there any way that you could also write a column for women? You are extremely perceptive, and I'm sure you know a lot about what makes men respond to women, and what we do that lowers their Interest Level. There is a huge group of women who could use your advice.

Paula -- who can't stand boot-lickers


                           Doc love's answer

Hi Paula,

So, I seem to know you better than you know yourself. Well Paula, that's why they call me the first man in 6,000 years to understand women. You didn't agree with me at first because you had a knee-jerk reaction to my politically incorrect take on the mating dance. But when your own experience validated what I've been saying, you saw the light. I'm glad.

                         
                         The woman is the chooser

You mentioned that the third date is when men decide whether or not they want to go forward with the relationship. Well, my love, that's an interesting thought, but you missed it again. The third date is one of the many junctures where the woman decides whether to go further with the relationship or not.
The man doesn't decide. He doesn't know where things are going until the woman informs him either subtly or not so subtly. The man merely shows up, often in a clueless state, and waits for the woman to give him, however she conveys it, a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Get it?

And when you put all that preparatory time and effort into maximizing your strike power, it wasn't because it was your third date with the guy. Third date, shmird date. It was because your Interest Level in this guy was reaching critical mass. You were enthralled and you decided it was time to pull out all the stops. Ah, the power and inspiration of High Interest Level. See, Paula, I got you again.


                               Here comes the bride

The other dead giveaway of your extra high level of romantic interest in this guy was that you likened your personal beautifying efforts to that of a bride on her wedding day. Women make matrimonial references like that only when the guy they like is setting off the lovely chime of wedding bells in their ears. To you Psych majors: this is what women do when they don't have low Interest Level.

Now we must move on to the sad part. Unfortunately, your guy allowed your stunning appearance to have too much of an impact on him, and so your romantic interest and level of respect for him irretrievably plummeted. You didn't know it, Paula, but you were testing him to see if he would lose it when you came on with the heavy artillery. You administered the test, and, sadly, he failed. Like most men, he couldn't control his mouth. You started to see him as a panting puppy who was too happy to be there.

And by the way, your reaction of being dismayed by the excessive number of compliments from your date had nothing to do with your having a lack of self-esteem. Your reaction was healthy and appropriate. It's the person with low self-esteem who can never get enough compliments.


                                This guy needs a clue

Whether you know it or not, Paula, you did the right thing by cutting this guy loose. Your Interest Level will never rise to the same level that it was prior to his blunders, even if he were to do everything right from now on, which he won't.

Will I ever write a column for women? Not likely. Women understand men. Women have all the advantages in the dating and mating game. It's men who need help. A lot of help.

Remember guys; before you open your mouth, ask yourself, "Is this going to help my cause?"